back up, start it again

i feel like going backwards.

like i AM going backwards.

frustrated and tired and dull.

in so many things in my life, i wish my reaction to pain and frustration wasn't negative.

even happy cat isn't doing it for me today:

just measure my damn chest

i've gone to three different stores trying to get measured for a bra. i know every bra i am wearing right now is the WRONG size. however, every single time i go in, i get overwhelmed and freaked out and then i pretend i am shopping for something else entirely. today, i even bought something else. i don't know who i was trying to fool, it's not like anyone else knew i what i was planning to do when i walked in the gap. also, i used to work at the gap, i hated having to measure people for bras, i don't want someone else to have to do that. it's just weird. i don't let anyone else look at my lady bits, what makes YOU different, woman in a black suit at victoria's secret? hmmm?!

re: the gap, both things i bought today were terrible and are going back tomorrow. along with the jeans i bought last week. apparently i think i am made of money. also, i bought the new jeans before realizing that i'd lost 10-15 pounds and i am sure that won't stay off since 1) i like my ass and 2) the 'don't eat lunch because you don't have time at work and then forget to eat dinner since your night was filled with activities that don't provide easy access to filling food' diet is probably not going to catch on.

my birthday is soon. i am trying to decide what to do for it. i'd like to find a bar/restaurant with an outdoor area which is fairly inexpensive and is not way out of my way (since it's my birthday y'all). i am definitely doing something this year. i didn't last year and it was sucky. suggestions welcome.

the laundromat was closed for memorial day. thusly, i washed socks in the sink. big whiskey and the groogrux king er, leaked. sorry, DMB. i, of course, plan on buying for legit soon. actually, it will probably be my last purchase at virgin union square. i am intrigued by some aspects, disappointed by others, and made hopeful by others. so much better than i was fearing. i plan on listening to it a lot more and really trying to get into it. update to come. yeah probably not.

'LOST' is a club

one i could easily join, and yet persist in avoiding because of laziness. oh hey, childhood. what's up.

CYCLES.

twitter and tumblr are full of my random thoughts much more than this ole thang recently. i think in part because i feel the need to be serious or honest here, and i don't feel much like doing either of late.

in fact, that's not true - i just don't feel like engaging in either emotion in order to write. surface level is easier than deep.

look octopus!

Why It Is Important

I am failing at being articulate today so I am posting the mostly unexpanded / edited thoughts I had last night, in response to my improv instructor's comments about not 'doing it for Harold night/quitting if you don't get on a team'.

I do it because of it, not for it. This is the first time in my life I have worked this hard at something i am not good pretty quickly. I have that kind of personality, as much as I try to fight it. I am lazy and I like to be successful and have people notice how successful I am. Improv is... the sustained 'want' of it is so visible and apparent -- a want that is visible not only to one other person, the way a confessed crush would be, or perhaps to an additional handful of friends, but rather apparent to EVERYONE in the community whose opinion and talent AND friendship you value. To put this into some kind of perspective, I don't open myself up to that kind of inspection and subsequent rejection in ANY other part of my life. In fact, I assiduously avoid it, to the point where I don't even tell people I have crushes on them until 2 years after they've moved to another state.

That's a little bit why it makes us so crazy. The want is deep and fresh and apparent... and it makes it harder to pull any positive emotion out over that scorned hurt. And at the end of the day... I understand people not being able to deal with that, and just leaving over the pain of it. I get it. If you love the game/girl/boy/artform, and the game/girl/boy/artform keeps rejecting you... man it's hard to keep at it.

I should add that you should not stalk people. Not even two years later when they've moved to a different state.

In 'conclusion', if I am not on a team in X number of years... which is likely given the breadth and depth of talent in NYC improv right now... I will stop trying, eventually. I assume. I don't know. I don't want to stop trying... but I can imagine a situation where quitting trying is the best thing to do for me. Anyway. Read above note on articulation ability today.

i ALWAYS do this

when the woman i get on the phone on AmEx travel is the dumb one, i pretend i am getting a call from my boss and that i will have to take it and call them back, as opposed to trying to deal with her.

she'd screwed up travel stuff several times though for my people so i think i am justified in it. i just feel like an asshole every time i do it.

no sign of love behind the tears

i am expressing my mood via clothing today. i am wearing earth tones. but... well... imagine i am wearing black.

i joined twitter, sorry.

sometimes i just want to punch everyone in the face, and sometimes i just want to laugh and have fun.

focusing is for suckers. i should have taken today off, i think.

this one is pretty too

i have been doing well writing in my non-internet journal - 'well' meaning that i have been doing it regularly and i think the insights i am gaining from the process are valuable. no need to talk about it more than that, really, but i did have a really crazy day yesterday. moods bouncing from medium to blackly upset but with no energy to even react to anything; i sat on the train unable to write, read my book or even play solitare on my ipod (that's bad, trust me). but somehow, when i got into my apartment, i proceeded to clean the fuck out of my room, AND rearrange my bed, and sweep and do two loads of laundry... that's a lot for me. sometimes it really is better to just do something blindly physical / vaguely compulsive than to sit and just write or stew.

however, i ended up putting my bed back in close to it's original position - my head was right near the loud, dirty window which is just not acceptable to me. i am still considering new configurations for it, but there aren't a ton of good permuations for the shape of my room. but i was willing to make the change, for the first time since i moved in in 2006. (yikes)

i also didn't talk to anyone all evening, even on gchat. well i posted on a messageboard some, but that is less interactive. anyway, that's interesting to me because i am very social, and even if i am sitting there quietly, i am still being social, most of the time. since i didn't have anyone to share it with, and i kind of love it, i am sharing my status messages for part of the evening:

katey healy-wurzburg
♫ left my glasses at the OTHER end of the apartment. fuck it.
katey healy-wurzburg
♫ got my glasses. oh, i'm watching HELLBOY. i wondered why phoebe looked all red and chandler was on fire.

eh? eh? no? okay fine.
busy weekend coming up.