Wednesday, May 23, 2007

strange people from other floors.

the evil corporation i work for is pretty big; we have several floors in the building, and on many of them, the bathrooms are actually in the stairwells. it is strange. on our floor, the men's room is the only one out there, fortunately (ha ha, men! suck on that!) but it does mean that the bathroom is supposed to be locked. as far as i know, you can't unlock it manually from the inside. nevertheless, several times a day i see d00dz coming out of the stairwell on our floor looking curiously... light and relaxed...

FUCKING PHANTOM SHITTERS. shit on your own floor, PLEASE. criminy.

when i say 'shit on your own floor', clearly i mean to please poop in the bathrooms provided to you by your company, and stop clogging the toilets down here. come on, are you 5 years old?

in other news, yesterday, i had to reformat a resume that someone had written in the third person. like... a biography. or a wikipedia article. i almost choked on the arrogant gall of it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

hate of the week.

bonding with other people over similar hatred regarding mundane details of life in new york is lubricant that keeps the new york machine flowing. in this vein, i present to you, new york, my hate of the week.


last week, some jerkbag cyclist started yelling at me in midtown because he almost hit me as i was crossing the street. okay... here's the thing: I HAD THE LIGHT. i told him to go fuck himself cause he was running a redlight like a fucking cocksucker. cyclists are supposed to follow the same rules of the road as cars and trucks and motorcycles... cause they have wheels. that is one of a variety of reasons why chinese delivery guys shouldn't be biking down narrow sidewalks at night in the rain while going in the wrong direction and almost kill me, but i digress.

so... cyclists actually get mad enough mad at pedistrians crossing the street when they are supposed to be... because the cyclists are the ones disobeying their rules of the road. that shit makes me want to carry tacks and long, pointy sticks for throwing between wheel spokes. jerk bags. yeah, i am so SORRY for trying to cross while i have a walk sign in midtown, asshole! next time, i will just wait until all the bicycles and mopeds and vespas and segways finish weaving their way through a redlight and the first set of people crossing the street, and then through the westbound traffic that has the right of way, AND THEN i will wait for another cycle of lights, since that took 310948109834 minutes, and NEVER CROSS THE STREET EVER AND QUIT MY JOB AND DIE. how about that? shit-guzzling assbags.

about a month ago, some lady did this same thing to me near st. marks at like, 11 pm. i was just like 'are you seriously yelling at me because you are riding around in the dark on a silent machine while you are running a redlight? like, really? okay, thats cool, as long as we are clear that your imperious moral high ground is substantiated by absolutely nothing, you giant cockbag!'

actually, what i managed to say was, 'eehh FUCK YOU!' but that is what i thought of on my walk to the subway.

in conclusion: bicyclists can go fuck themselves.

blogging about comedy.

a lot of comedians mention blogs during their set 'nowadays', especially if something silly or unusual happens; apparently people see shows and then tell the internet about them. that is pretty cool, because my friends are definitely tired of being told about the comedy shows i go to, and maybe the internet cares a little bit more. so here are some (brief (ya right) highlights of) kickass shows i saw recently:

robin ince: british comedian, effing brilliant. i saw him do a quick set last week to close out bobby tisdale and eugene mirman's excellent 'invite them up'. he was great, he has a very endearing stage presence; nerdy, moral, earnest and just a little bit mean. his hour long show was equally solid, he won the audience over very quickly with his silly asides and very sharp intellectualist 'philosophy'. i definitely left out of chelsea chanting "AH I WANT TO BE THAT GOOD!" however, i am an admitted sucker for british comedy, but all the british stand up i have seen in new york has been phenomenal; josie long and jon oliver are the other stand outs. josie has some of the most creative and hilarious bits i have ever seen, and she is adorable and sweet. so yeah, you can friend robin ince and josie long on myspace and check out their stuff. i don't believe jon oliver is on there (he wasn't the first time i looked ~6 months ago, maybe he is now), but you can see him almost every night on the daily show. sexy.

harold night: UCB mutha effers. i am at that theatre... a lot lately. tuesday used to be my free night during the week, but now i go and watch long-form improv for ~3 hours because i am a nerd. a lot of the 'younger' teams are coming into their own lately, i have been seeing some amazing harolds lately. two weeks ago, bastian and creep both had phenomenal shows, and last week T.R.U.C.K.S. brought the damn house down. i haven't been able to get the image of nate smith as a retarded sperm cell out of my head all week, i keep thinking of it while i am on the train and lol-ing to myself. 1985 and fwand are always amazing, they fight off for my favorite team most weeks. no 1985 last week, but they are on the line-up for tonight. improv is a very satisfying art form for the audience; the patterns that emerge feel 'right' to the brain, and it is almost always crazy and hilarious. something sexually inappropriate will take place at least once, and at least two members of fwand will almost break their faces, you will love it. best part is, it's 5 dollars whenever you arrive. if you get there at 8 (recommended, otherwise you will wait outside for 30 minutes), you get 5 harolds for the price of one! UCB doesn't really need my help in promoting, but it's what i have been doing lately. my friend seth herzog has a show on tuesdays at the slipper room which is fantastic, as well. check that out if you are in the mood for stand-up, also 5 dollars.

under st. mark's: oooh this one is pretty elite and *seeecret*. so there is a theatre space (read: basement with risers and a small stage, done in black) under the st. mark's theatre, located in all places, on st. marks (btwn 2nd and 1st avenues). on some friday nights (i think alternating ones, i don't know) independent improv team Rogue Elephant hosts some kick ass improv-ing. you will probably recognize the members of rogue elephant from a variety of other harold teams; silvija from the step-fathers, jim santangelli from 1985, gavin from 1985, nate smith from T.R.U.C.K.S., susannah from beverly hills, eddie from beverly hills, and tim curcio from beverly hills. the last time i went the AC was either broken, or its existence was a figment of my imagination, because it was pretty much exactly a billion degrees in there. but the space is really cool and fun, and the show was really great as well. apparently tantrum and fwand host improv at the space on the other friday nights, but i haven't been down to see that show... YET. great show, one of the most fun ones i have ever seen, for serious. however, i would delete the troupe of drunken 18 year olds from the experience, who were for some reason at an underground improv show, when they should have been home practicing for their mtv reality series debut, or whatever it is that priveledged 18 year olds in manhattan spend their time and youth pursuing.

quick bathroom review:

rififi's(/cinema classic): i saw robin ince at rififi's initially; there are three bathrooms at rififi's. the one in the front bar area is sometimes the only one available, and pretty small and cramped. there is actually more room than there used to be though, and a small, cloudy mirror above the sink. however it is usually clean and there is always soap and toilet paper, so it's fine with me, even if you have bend awkwardly to get your pants down. the two bathrooms in the back are much bigger and nicer, and i will use them for preference, although not during a show (usually) because the comedians will usually make fun of you. even the nice ones. and there have been horrifying bug-sightings in the back so i always keep a strong vigil when i am momentarily de-pantsed. sometimes the back bathrooms are not stocked with soap/tp though, so you end up waiting in line for 8 minutes and then realizing you have to go try and get the sole bartender's attention, no fun. but the bathrooms are all private, which is nice.

UCB: always packed. almost always, at least. there are two tiny stalls and a small sink area and there are quite often 8 people trying to wait in the bathroom instead of lining up outside. it sucks. the interns keep it well stocked with soap/tp and it is a fine bathroom, but definitely not a favorite. the toilet seat in the second stall slips every time you move and you feel like you are falling into the bowl. i do hate that.

under st. marks: the bathroom is back stage and you have to walk along the front of the stage to get back there. the door is sliding and it's pretty small, but comfortable and well stocked nonetheless. just weird to have to go backstage. it reminds me of every cabin bathroom i have ever been in, only much dirtier and weird water on the floor. my butt only touches the toilet paper i put on the seat though, i don't care about the rest. NUTS TO YOU, OCD!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

comedy is serious business.

i go to quite a few comedy shows around manhattan. it's pretty evenly split between stand up performances and improv shows. i am considering trying to review them, but i don't know if i could be an effective or objective reviewer, so i might just list my favorites and what i like about them. i am not sure yet. however, i am sure that i will write up a list of my favorite bars ranked according to how nice their bathrooms are.

so some more about comedy... and me :) ME ME ME, right?! i am a comedian (i prefer 'comic' because it sounds like 'dick' and i am... kind of a dick) in new york. i try to perform stand up a couple times a week, and long form improv about the same. i have been taking classes at the upright citizen's brigade theatre for about 9 months now, and it is super fun and very challenging. i was in an improv troupe in college called 'yodapez'.

i also produce and host a monthly show at the Parkside Lounge on the lower east side (LES). the show is called the lorelei, after the german rock that lured Romantic poets to their watery graves (OBVIOUSLY) and it is pretty fun. last month we had leo allen, gabe and jenny (a duo), joe mande, eudi paz and evan jacobs on the bill and it was great. the next show is june 3rd, and will feature john mulaney, merritt gurley, matt ruby, noah garfinkle and TBA! the format is stand up for now, but it's definitely open to other formats if people are interested in it. oh and it's FREE, just buy a couple drinks from the sexy cocktail waitress, karen! so yeah.

i will keep this up to date with my trials, and other things that begin with 'tri', read and enjoy!

awkward and hateful things!

Item the First.) the number of people i saw on the street during my lunch break that i should know well enough to say 'hey' casually to, and yet instead chose to ignore and avoid eye contact with so i wouldn't have to... say 'hey' to them?

Two. i am an anti-social jerkface.

Item the Second.) people who walk casually through midtown in the middle of the afternoon should be confined to wheelchairs and pumped full of barbituates, and then made to run on a treadmill for 4 hours. why? because that is what navigating through them feels like when you only have an hour for your lunch break and need to go to a sample sale AND grab an overpriced roast beef sandwich from arby's. 'zig-zag' is not an acceptable walking formation in this, the citiest of new york's urban centers. assholes.

Item the Third.) american eagle should burn for discontinuing the only pair of under 40 dollar jeans that fit my weird body. i tried on a different style last night that were fully one size bigger than what i normally wear and i couldn't even put my butt in them. a chunk of enough white fat to make captain ahab pant with lustful rage simply refused to even consider fitting itself inside that denim depth. it just squatted above what should have been the waistband, mocking me. hey, american eagle... here's this thing i was thinking about... don't make your size 6 jeans significantly smaller than your size 4 jeans. that is weird, and mean and doesn't make any sense.

Item the Last.) attention pimped out VW that ran a red light at 35-40 mph on 45th street this afternoon; honking your horn excessively to let everyone know you are dangerously breaking the law... doesn't actually change or improve the fact that you are doing something incredibly dangerous through a crowd of people, and also breaking the law.

so, in conclusion: honking =/= (does not equal) karma

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

webcomics that i like.

i have a boring job that i hate. i am overqualified for it, i get absolutely no respect and no advancement prospects. yay! however, instead of doing something proactive about it, i usually just spend my time moaning on the internet and look for new webcomics so i can spend a couple days reading through their archives. these are my favorites:

they are fun. natalie and drew, who write the top three comics listed (and are married, ooooh!), are hilarious and awesome and have great blog and advice archives that waste at least 2/3 more time than webcomics alone. good stuff. feel free to send some other good ones my way! i tend to get in a rut and not try new things.

beautiful day --> apocalypse --> beautiful day reprise

it was absolutely lovely outside this morning. it even smelled nice in midtown. seriously. the spring makes me very happy. it was beautiful when i went out for lunch as well, and only a bit too hot as i walked around bryant park. the beauty of bryant park couldn't even be marred by the smelly old dudes holding up the 'bush regime orchestrated 9/11' banner. at about 4, however, the sky got extremely dark... well, the 4 foot slice of reflected light i could see from the office window that is down the hall looked really dark and creepy. so apparently the world looked as if it was ending and i couldn't even see it.

i need a new job.