a thing that makes me angry in new york.

guys who sit on the subway with their legs spread more than 10 inches apart. hey assholes... you know what? i BET that your balls are none of the following:
1. five inches in diameter.
2. made of glass.
3. filled with a poison that will be released if either ball touches either your leg or the other ball.
4. contained within their own individual forcefields that effectively prevents you from putting your legs together like a decent human being.

seriously, this infuriates me. i live on the northern edge of manhattan, along the most crowded subway line. if i am quick, i can usually find a seat because i am pretty narrow. however, every day i see entire benches taken up by 2 normal-sized guys who seem to think that their balls have precedent to take up bench space that could easily be occupied by several other MTA patrons, for example; pregnant women, old people, or charmingly ironic comedians from massachusetts who do not deal well with early morning low blood sugar.

i really do not understand why guys do this. maybe some of my male readers will risk my castrating rage and give me a reasonable explanation that will force me to recind this rant. but i doubt it. until then, adjust your damn balls and let me sit down, assholes.

awkward and hateful things!

Item the First.) the number of people i saw on the street during my lunch break that i should know well enough to say 'hey' casually to, and yet instead chose to ignore and avoid eye contact with so i wouldn't have to... say 'hey' to them?

Two. i am an anti-social jerkface.

Item the Second.) people who walk casually through midtown in the middle of the afternoon should be confined to wheelchairs and pumped full of barbituates, and then made to run on a treadmill for 4 hours. why? because that is what navigating through them feels like when you only have an hour for your lunch break and need to go to a sample sale AND grab an overpriced roast beef sandwich from arby's. 'zig-zag' is not an acceptable walking formation in this, the citiest of new york's urban centers. assholes.

Item the Third.) american eagle should burn for discontinuing the only pair of under 40 dollar jeans that fit my weird body. i tried on a different style last night that were fully one size bigger than what i normally wear and i couldn't even put my butt in them. a chunk of enough white fat to make captain ahab pant with lustful rage simply refused to even consider fitting itself inside that denim depth. it just squatted above what should have been the waistband, mocking me. hey, american eagle... here's this thing i was thinking about... don't make your size 6 jeans significantly smaller than your size 4 jeans. that is weird, and mean and doesn't make any sense.

Item the Last.) attention pimped out VW that ran a red light at 35-40 mph on 45th street this afternoon; honking your horn excessively to let everyone know you are dangerously breaking the law... doesn't actually change or improve the fact that you are doing something incredibly dangerous through a crowd of people, and also breaking the law.

so, in conclusion: honking =/= (does not equal) karma