this is my journal

isn't it pretty? i think so.

emoodtional

Yeah, that was terrible.

I have a few thoughts I will hobble together.

I bought a new pretty journal for keeping track of my moods. The pages are color coded; purple for happy and related contenment, red for rage and related obsessions, blue-green for sad sack bitching. I hope I am able to keep it up, and I think it might help my efforts to be more rational in my assessment of my own behavior. Is it weird that I am trying to do that? I think it is.

I am considering stopping drinking soda. As much. Cutting back on stuff generally. I suppose it is standard to feel fat and gross and squidgy when the weather turns nicer. Did I mention cottage-cheesy and pale and a variety of other skin-based issues?

On that attractive note, I've had SUCH relationship envy lately. I am not sure what's bringing it about. Maybe just impending 26-dom. But combined with my sudden interest in potentially putting my mouth on other mouths... it's a weird time in katey-land, internet.

My life has thus far been starved in the realm of experience.

I don't think it's possible to truly articulate heartbreak rationally with words. And that's why we have art.

My legs are so tired. I wore my sort-of-heeled flats on Saturday and then accidentally did a lot of walking in them. For the evening I switched to sneakers so it was okay. Today it was NINETY FIVE DEGREES outside so I broke out the sandals. They're comfortable, but not supportive enough so my feets get tired almost immediately, which I hate. My feet seem to be hot-wired directly into my 'function-normally' center of my brain. I honestly don't understand people who can just kick around in whatever, or barefoot. The higher-functioning aspects of my brain sort of shut off if my feet are not totally supported and dry and warm. If someone were to make a Maslow's pyramid of needs for me (about me?), the base would be: food, then foot comfort, then rest of clothes, then emotional support system, then Starbucks.

Regardless, I spent the day walking around in my sandals, until I got to Shoemania and bought an entirely different pair of summer shoes. They are probably ugly, but they are comfortable and cool (temperature-wise) so WHATEVEERRRRR FASHION SUCK MY DICK!

Then I walked some more, slightly more comfortably. It really was beautiful out. My skin smells like air and sun and all the good parts of summer in New York City. Jealous?

Today's Random Note From My Notebook:
remember this good feeling and choose at every moment to pursue such contentment.

it can be that simple.

HERE BE DRAGONS, AND THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU.

guess what country has the best flag? WALES DOES BECAUSE IT HAS A DRAGON!

they aren’t even a real country and they still have the best flag. jealous, america? well you should have thought of that before you decided to invest in pussy straight lines and intersecting diagonals INSTEAD OF A DRAGON.

another quote about humanity

You have this thing you call... boredom! It is the rarest talent in the universe! We heard a song - it went 'Twinkle twinkle little star...' What power! What wondrous power! You can take a billion trillion tons of flaming matter, a furnace of unimaginable strength, and turn it into a little song for children! You build little worlds, little stories, little shells around your mind, and that keeps infinity at bay and allows you to wake up in the morning without screaming!

-Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

lyrics to 'a new day at midnight' THE SONG

oh my word i've never seen
a day so golden, earth so green
put my face into the street
that i might see what might have been
all my heart time has flowed
feet that pass along the stone
i hardly recognize my home
all the paths that've overgrown
the music and the laughter gone

oh my soul it never felt
so free of all the chains i built
all the shame and all the guilt
are vanished now beneath the silt
i'm striding across orion's belt

oh my word i have
oh my word i have
oh my word i
oh my word i...

i have been trying to find the lyrics to this song for awhile. it's confused by the fact that david gray named an album 'a new day at midnight' without including the song 'a new day at midnight' on the album. however, the lyrics issue is TRIPLY confused by the fact that the phrase 'a new day at midnight' doesn't appear in the song at all either. which is pretty unusual for mr. gray. and i can only find one mediocre quality recording online, confused, again, by the title.

in 2007 (at least) he played the song a few times live, explaining that the song was inspired by his reaction to the birth of his daughter not proceeding as simply as he expected it to be (aw). interesting (to me) because he's notoriously private about his personal life.

actually, none of the key words in the name appear in the song. sigh. regardless, here are the lyrics as i have transcribed them (poorly). link that, internet!

the limitations of blogger become clearer.

Nicole: I did not realize

that during the entire whole foods bit

you were wearing a moustache

like, it didn't register

we are insane

i changed the name of my blog.

and now for an unrelated story: last friday night i walked across manhattan wearing a fake* black moustache. and surprisingly, got a ridiculous number of compliments from all manner of passersby. it was an interesting experiment, and fascinating that every comment i heard (at least) was either overtly complimentary or neutral in tone. admittedly a fair number of those comments were a just a way of letting their friends know that they just saw a girl with a moustache walk by, but it was still interesting that they oriented them in a positive manner.

the best one i got was from a middle aged woman who shouted back at me as i pushed by her group that i was 'looking good!'

the best part was alan and i whining / throwning fits in whole foods to our mom nicole who was trying to hurry up our dinner selections and not letting me get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! or alan get his chocolate milk. that was silly fun.

fun! next time i will pretend it's real, maybe.

*shocking, i know. i actually had it on upside down for most of my walk. embarrassing!

get dressed and then we'll call you and cancel and you can try to go back to sleep

that happened to me twice this weekend. the first, saturday, was weather related, and fine, really since i like sleep. and it was dark and raining out so i could actually fall asleep again. however, it happened AGAIN on sunday when i was supposed to go visit family in poughkeepsie. i texted my dad to let him know that i would be getting in at 11:30 since i missed the 8:58 am train (because fuck that), and then i got a frantic text -> call from my mom FLIPPING out and telling me not to come. i was barely awake and didn't understand why being an hour later made it POINTLESS for me to come visit, since my aunts were leaving today, monday, and not sometime sunday afternoon. actually i still don't understand it, since it doesn't make any sense. but whatever, my mom was feeling tense and worried and i didn't want to exacerbate it so i just agreed to visit them later in the month and go back to sleep - which is what i wanted to do anyway... gah confusion! mooooom come on!

i realized later that night that i should have just invited the nuclear unit into the city for the afternoon; that could have been fun. and it was a lonely easter. damn barnes and noble closed at 7 so i ended up going to whole foods and virgin records instead and buying a couple CDs (john legend and a genesis collection - score!) and a DVD of 'close', which is supposed to be very good. it's probably just going to make me wish i had the soundtrack instead though. bummer.

i think i am going to start using like... capitalization and shit on this blog. i have sort of been neglecting this one lately, in general, especially when compared to my manic effusion of content on my tumblr. it's just a lot easier to use than blogspot (is it blogger? i really don't like that name; i am going to persist in calling it blogspot).

i know i have booked my show this week, but i can't remember the teams i confirmed for the life of me. i hate it when i do that. but i remember liking the line up as i made it... i need to leave myself more easily accesible notes of my thought processes.

i don't think i have slept more than 5 hours in an row in probably 3 or 4 weeks. but i feel mostly fine, which is a problem in itself.

NO THROUGHLINE FOR THIS POST EITHER, AWESOME, WAY TO GO.

things that happened recently

friday night: audition was fun! although i nearly vomited in the bathroom before warming up, i warmed up all my nerves out with an awesome group and we went in there and smiled and had fun. i went out for the first scene, where my scene partner threw up a tiny bit of vomit on the ground, and then later denied me. and i still had a reasonable amount of fun. later, i did a scene with jeremy bent that was fun as well. 50% of my 'handsome' audition group got callbacks, which is straight up awesome. i did not, which straight up sucks. it's way easier to have a shitty audition and not get a callback. but whatever, if i am going to get critical, my games were 'eh' in both, and in the second i did a silly voice and only set up some stuff. it was no 'insert some scene you remember that i was actually good in', that's for sure. trying not to dwell, but it would have been to nice to have someone on that panel who i felt 'had my back'... or at least, had seen me do good stuff. i had a 1) a teacher from a class i was awful in, 2) someone who'd coached me in a shitty practice group a couple times, 3) someone i did the lottery with 2 years ago and that's probably the only time he ever saw me play ever, and i bet he doesn't remember and 4) someone who coached me in one very mediocre rehearsal. what i am saying is: WENGERRRRT DAMN YOU!! sigh. moving on.

later friday night was fun, saw a pretty good show, was tired. yelled confidence and advice at some friends, both in person and online. did the same on saturday, plus a super fun action pals show. then watched hotel rwanda and got a couple good cries in, and a little perspective.

sunday was bad. but it was possibly the nicest day of the year yet weather-wise, so i walked around the city, all over, cried a bit more, did some window shopping, got a bunch of texts, almost bought a desk, waited in line for a bathroom for 25 minutes, wanted to make a bunch of impulse purchases, but didn't, and eventually even ate some dinner. sunday night was the last show of the smirk inferno, so that was fun. and probably helpful.

the amount of love and support you give out not only comes back to you, but it soothes your own hurts. it fills you up until there is no room for any sour vindictiveness. but it would have been nice not to get QUITE so many 'so when is your callback?' messages. that... that i could have done without.

in conclusion, it's devilishly hard not to consider it a review and judgment of your progress, talent, and therefore, self-worth. i've had a bunch of knock-em-downs lately, but i still feel pretty fucking good about shit in general. i know that i have gotten better, and that i am a funny person, and a supportive player. and now i have finally realized what my biggest problem has been onstage over the last year or so; i haven't been playing confidently, i have been playing fearfully. and when i play confidently, i play better. when i get up and just do my thing and not worry about fucking anything up, or something going wrong, or someone making a stupid, asshole move, that is when i am good. playing out of fear means i start making shitty panic moves. playing out of confidence is fun. and i want to always have fun. i know i can do it.

summary thoughts:
i am sad. but i feel stripped down and somehow more focused at the same time. i wish i had a new class to really explore this in. however, fortunately i have a show tonight i CAN do this in! that's right, this whole in depth post was really just a trick to promote my show tonight with phil weintraub; we are doing school night tonight. be prepared for us playing a bunch of different characters in the scene, me telling phil how to jerk off, and if we are lucky, a lecture about medieval armor or the penis strings of the yanomamo! can't wait.

harold announcements going out soon, i'd guess. good luck everyone.

oh man we almost lost the lap top

i just drove around midtown in a van with no windows for almost 2 hours! it was crazy! fortunately i didn't forget how to drive, but it's been at least 7 years since i have driven anything that big. but we figured out how to get over there with a minimum of fuss - as a strict pedestrian, i mostly do not remember which way streets run except by picturing them in my mind and trying to remember which way whoever tried to murder me in a cross walk was going. fortunately the traffic was relatively light.

however, as we were loading stuff out of the van onto the cart we brought (RAIN! DAMN YOU STOP FUCKING UP MY HAIR!), the lap top, the single most expensive and important part of this damn meeting, FELL OFF AND WE DIDN'T NOTICE.

let me say that again.

a company lap top (that's probably worth $300 but they would charge us $1500 for losing) fell off the cart and was somewhere on 37th street.

AHHH COMMENCE PANIC SWEAT!

i immediately sprinted out of the bar and back to street, running down the block while trying to do so carefully and scan the sidewalk. i searched the van again, in case we had left it. no luck. as i am walking back, about to call my coworker and lament our fate of owing the company money for doing a bunch of extra work for no extra pay, i spotted it! the fucking lap! it had been wedged behind one of those fire hydrant water suppliers.

and it still worked. internet. it's been a fucking day. i think i am going to skedaddle early so i don't explode or have someone try to rope me into driving a tugboat up the hudson for our company retreat.

<3 xo again.

p.s. apparently snow patrol co-owns that bar. good to know.

re: harold auditions and stuff

this is to my new york improv friends.

older friends who auditioned last year: i love you all. we have gotten SO FUCKING GOOD over this last year especially. we all work really hard, and we have SO MUCH FUN. so whatever happens on sunday, please know that I am proud of you. no matter what, we are going to keep doing this and having fun and making the new york comedy scene sparkle with our talent and passion for this art.

new friends who are improv babies even to me, an improv baby: sunday and tuesday and wednesday will suck for most of us. try not to let it get you too down. it will be fun again, the sun will come out, and remember it's your first audition and you never have to audition for the first time ever again. focus on having fun and getting better.

to everyone: if you get a call back / on a team / fall in love and get married in a whirlwind, 48 hour affair, i am happy for you. so incredibly happy. but i might not be able to show it properly it through all the sadness for my own lame-o self. so i apologize in advance if i can't show it. i love you guys, i am excited to audition and have fun, and i am excited for the eventual return to normalcy.

<3 xo
katey

i tried to take today off

but instead i got roped into coming in so i could help a co-worker set up an off-site meeting. which means in about 10 minutes i am going to be driving for the first time in about... a year maybe? a van. through mid-town. in the rain!

ah what!? i am such an idiot. an idiot laughing at herself but a dumb head nonetheless. i don't mind driving, i have driven in manhattan before, and i used to drive a 70's style jacked up suburban in HS. it will be fine. i just can't believe how weird today is turning out. one of the guys i work for fucked up his travel and apparently it's MY fault and he is angrier than a wet cat in a small bag because he had to pay 185 euros that he is going to get reimbursed FOR FUCKING UP. he just astonishes me sometimes. one of the other people i work for came by my desk at 12:20 and asked me to print up a 'few things' for her meeting at 1. a few things turned out to be 39 files, ranging from PDFs to documents to excel files to the dreaded power point files (save as PDFs, the assholes always crash my computer). it took me 45 minutes of doing nothing but that. madness. i need a massage to get this neck tenseness out now.

it's also raining and i straightened my hair this morning so fuck that.

NOW IT IS THUNDERING AND LIGHTNING OUT MY WINDOW. WHAT IS HAPPENING WORLD?!

things in my mind

can take several of those items on my 'to obsess about list' off. thank goodness! that's a sarcastic thank goodness! i've just realized i only use that phrase sarcastically. will need to change that.

anyway, feeling a bit trimmer and more focused. had fun last night at harold night. i have great friends.

came home and cleaned out my refrigerator a bit. it was gross. got distracted by omegle and went to bed too late.

my face hurts. can i get a face massage? without breaking out? is that even a thing?

ok, i'm blowig this joint. it's motha - uckin steak and potato soup tiiiiiiime!