things that happened recently

friday night: audition was fun! although i nearly vomited in the bathroom before warming up, i warmed up all my nerves out with an awesome group and we went in there and smiled and had fun. i went out for the first scene, where my scene partner threw up a tiny bit of vomit on the ground, and then later denied me. and i still had a reasonable amount of fun. later, i did a scene with jeremy bent that was fun as well. 50% of my 'handsome' audition group got callbacks, which is straight up awesome. i did not, which straight up sucks. it's way easier to have a shitty audition and not get a callback. but whatever, if i am going to get critical, my games were 'eh' in both, and in the second i did a silly voice and only set up some stuff. it was no 'insert some scene you remember that i was actually good in', that's for sure. trying not to dwell, but it would have been to nice to have someone on that panel who i felt 'had my back'... or at least, had seen me do good stuff. i had a 1) a teacher from a class i was awful in, 2) someone who'd coached me in a shitty practice group a couple times, 3) someone i did the lottery with 2 years ago and that's probably the only time he ever saw me play ever, and i bet he doesn't remember and 4) someone who coached me in one very mediocre rehearsal. what i am saying is: WENGERRRRT DAMN YOU!! sigh. moving on.

later friday night was fun, saw a pretty good show, was tired. yelled confidence and advice at some friends, both in person and online. did the same on saturday, plus a super fun action pals show. then watched hotel rwanda and got a couple good cries in, and a little perspective.

sunday was bad. but it was possibly the nicest day of the year yet weather-wise, so i walked around the city, all over, cried a bit more, did some window shopping, got a bunch of texts, almost bought a desk, waited in line for a bathroom for 25 minutes, wanted to make a bunch of impulse purchases, but didn't, and eventually even ate some dinner. sunday night was the last show of the smirk inferno, so that was fun. and probably helpful.

the amount of love and support you give out not only comes back to you, but it soothes your own hurts. it fills you up until there is no room for any sour vindictiveness. but it would have been nice not to get QUITE so many 'so when is your callback?' messages. that... that i could have done without.

in conclusion, it's devilishly hard not to consider it a review and judgment of your progress, talent, and therefore, self-worth. i've had a bunch of knock-em-downs lately, but i still feel pretty fucking good about shit in general. i know that i have gotten better, and that i am a funny person, and a supportive player. and now i have finally realized what my biggest problem has been onstage over the last year or so; i haven't been playing confidently, i have been playing fearfully. and when i play confidently, i play better. when i get up and just do my thing and not worry about fucking anything up, or something going wrong, or someone making a stupid, asshole move, that is when i am good. playing out of fear means i start making shitty panic moves. playing out of confidence is fun. and i want to always have fun. i know i can do it.

summary thoughts:
i am sad. but i feel stripped down and somehow more focused at the same time. i wish i had a new class to really explore this in. however, fortunately i have a show tonight i CAN do this in! that's right, this whole in depth post was really just a trick to promote my show tonight with phil weintraub; we are doing school night tonight. be prepared for us playing a bunch of different characters in the scene, me telling phil how to jerk off, and if we are lucky, a lecture about medieval armor or the penis strings of the yanomamo! can't wait.

harold announcements going out soon, i'd guess. good luck everyone.