Fear Is The Mind Killer

This was originally posted on my tumblr in response to a video Zach Linder posted - an excerpt from Jerry Lewis' film "Errand Boy" - I can only link it on blogspot, but watch it if you can, and then read my response. Or just read my response, it's just about improvSHOCK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MA3406YJUg

So many reactions to this - but the one thing I want to add is that we should be aspiring to this level of commitment and style today. Especially in improv. The next half-assed scene I see, I am going to scream. In improv, fear manifests itself in a lack of willingness to commit to our scenes. It’s fear that causes ironic detachment, or clinging to some kind of internal scene-world logic instead of fucking reacting to our scene partners and committing to the reality of that scene.

I think we have to give ourselves permission to be AMAZING. Let’s consciously give ourselves permission to be this tight and good and sharp - because if we don’t, we INSTEAD, often unconsciously, give ourselves permission to just fuck around. I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to DO that. I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to give ourselves the permission to fucking RULE, to be amazing and talented - and not the permission to fail.

What I am NOT saying is that we can’t let ourselves fail. It’s improv. We are making shit up. Sometimes, it is going to fail. But we can decide how we are going to fail - spectacularly or ironically. Avoiding failure is just another kind of failure.

Spectacular > Ironic

This is sounding more and more like Amy Poehler’s quote about how she treats improv as her sacred space - as her church. I believe that so much right now. I want to stop judging and just treat that stage and that rehearsal space with that level of commitment. It’s also just a really useful metaphor. Even if you don’t view the improv stage as your personal sacred space (although if you’ve been doing this for more than a couple years and you still don’t think of it that way… not quite sure why you are doing it), you would still respect it as such right? I am not a Christian, but I still respect cathedrals as spaces.

Relax, and have fun, but don’t relax your commitment to sacred success. Let’s give ourselves permission to take ourselves and our performances seriously.

I know it is weird that I have gone on this rant after watching a tightly scripted / timed, non-verbal musical bit from a film. But just because this shit is basically the opposite of improv, and benefits from nearly everything improv specifically eschews doesn’t mean we can’t do shit that is EVEN MORE AWESOME.

i hope this makes sense.

this is something i have been thinking about a lot over the past few months, and then i stopped worrying about, and then i remembered something i had forgotten. relearned something i had managed to unlearn. anyway.

 

emotional reaction and connection. long form improvisation requires this to a degree that's fairly astonishing. some acting techniques do teach that the only correct method in scripted acting is the calling up of genuine emotion in yourself.

 

improv is SO HARD because you do need to be able to react 'naturally' to everything that your scene partner is doing. and some people's natural reaction is to avoid, or argue or be passive aggressive... while that is REAL and NATURAL, such reactions are even more poisonous onstage than they are in regular life. i had (have) such a hard time with emotionally reacting because i don't do it very often; however exuberant and outgoing i am at times, i rarely have a geniune emotional interaction to someone. i might be touched by a story, or feel annoyed by some asshole thing they've said or done; but the actual interaction of emotions doesn't happen. or if it does, i do it really quickly and then distract them with a bunch of words afterwards.

 

i found myself struggling with this problem so consistently in improv that i hardly noticed it. it was EVERY problem, really. and while i have not overcome the problem (certainly not in my um... real life), i think it has become much LESS of a problem for me onstage. and only because i faked it. fake it till you make it. there is a great part of dustin hoffman's inside the actor's studio where he talks about how he worked himself up to flip out over the hot water in 'rain man'; and the emotion in that scene all came from his frustration and anger and rage at himself for not being able to feel those emotions authentically. so he took the emotion from somewhere else.

 

what does this mean in improv? i think it means that faking it works.  that you should fake it.  if you are a terrible or mediocre actor, you should absolutely still try to have an emotional reaction and let it show on your face and in your voice and body. 

 

i think it comes down to that decision to commit.

 

very recently, i think i have finally understood what i need to do in order to improve my improvising.  the vaguely frustrating thing is that it is something i have thought about in the abstract, and even given as a mental note to shows i tech or watch, and one which i KNOW intellectually is important, but which i, myself, have somehow managed to avoid applying to myself.  i don't want to get distracted by this, but what the fuck?  why do all lessons in my life seem to hover around my consciousness for a year before i actually pick up on them and apply them to myself?  i hope this means i am noticing a pattern and that i will get better at noticing lessons i should be learning sooner, in the future.

ANYWAY; i refuse to be distracted!

the lesson is commitment.  what i need to do, what i need to focus on forcing myself to do in every scene is COMMIT to whatever the scene or character is.  commitment and emotional integrity.  i had a scene in class a week or so ago where i made someone dr. mengele, i set us in holocaust-era germany; i mentioned lamps made from human skin and piles of gassed children's shoes.  NONE of those things are funny, and there is really no reason that scene should have worked.  physically, i did very little, except act a little distressed.  but i committed to my perspective, and i respected that stage and that premise.  the reason i harp on about this is that DURING that scene i felt myself desperately trying to distance from the terrible things i was setting up, but then another, wiser improv-trained part was like 'NO, if you back off now, it will suck.  if you 'pretend' or act sarcastically, it will suck.  STICK TO YOUR PERSPECTIVE AND COMMIT TO IT.'

i call my good reaction to that mengele scene 'improv wisdom', but i think that is dressing it up in fancier clothes than it deserves.  i straight up finally drilled this lesson into my thick skull because of a show i did where i was just an asshole, the whole time.  it was a castlemania! show, which i mention because it's a three person team.  it's way harder to be a snarky dick when there are only 3 people onstage.  the show was a frustrating one for me, since the only audience member was a drunk, back-talking barber from the place next door, and i just felt supremely uncommitted.  and then wondered why all my moves were stupid and unfunny.

 

in conclusion... KATEY.  QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE AND COMMIT TO YOUR SCENES AND SCENE PARTNERS.  maybe that will work this time.

current improv thoughts

i am having a disconnect with what i know about improv 'off-stage' and watching shows and my skill level onstage. i can get so fucking frantic onstage. it makes me crazy. i know i am a stronger improvisor when i hold back (especially verbally) but i tend to talk when i am nervous or feeling insecure. i need to learn to be secure and confident onstage. and if i'm not, just to not step out. that's kind of the opposite note that is usually given. i think i skate by on being a somewhat compelling performer, but my techincals skills leave a lot to be desired. or just that i lose my technical abilities the moment i lose my thread of the show, so i just begin to stomp across the show and ruin whatever's been established. that is far more melodramatic than it needs to be, but sometimes i feel like that. i think i need to keep rehearsing and working on... pruning my instincts. and doing OTHER creative things. writing, CREATIVELY, not just recounting my days on the interwebs. i am going to start tracking my moods as well. i know comedy, and i fucking know how to do it... and sometimes i just fucking lose it on stage in improv.

castlemania! is awesome and i love those girls. we're going to keep doing shows and rehearsing together. i think we can only improve as a team. plus we are fucking adorable. plus, this was the second year i was in the 3 on 3 on a team with no harold or weekend team members, and for the second year my team made it to the semi-finals. and our show was pretty solid.

oh man. i am watching celebrity rehab (the best show ever) and rod stewart's son DOESN'T KNOW WHO BUDDY HOLLY IS. HOW ARE YOU THAT STUPID!? i mean, sure, rod stewart's scottish, but he still came straight from the american rock school... via the london blues movement BUT STILL. holy fuck, how do you avoid knowing about BUDDY HOLLY. i mean. what. founder and populizer (?) of rock and roll. gah.

sorry that made me mad.

i took two cabs this weekend because my dad wanted to see the intrepid aircraft carrier, which is off 12th avenue and he has a really hard time walking. so that made it hard to get around anywhere. 12th avenue is far fucking away you guys. i kind of wish i could take cabs more often, one of the guys was really cool. he was retired and drove a cab on the weekends for 'pocket money' (which is kind of crazy, driving a cab is HARD work). anyway, he had traveled extensively in europe doing purchasing for the US government and had some definite opinions about green power and the next steps for american economic development. and we had a bit of a discussion about nixon causing all the problems. honestly, the more i think about it, it was a totally awesome conversation.

oh and a cat update! he did so well while i was out of town! i was pretty fucking worried about him getting too lonely or frantic by himself (he's very dog-like in his excitement when you come home) but he was fine. apparently he got a little nippy at my dad and sister when they where home in my apartment when i wasn't, but he can be like that if you try to pet him when he's not in the mood. maybe he just likes me best because i saved his ass and he got to be GRATEFUL, son! this weekend's separation was a good test for us both. he's fine for a few days by myself, and i learned that i most definitely consider new york city 'home'. intractably.

my roommate is moving back to kansas. i might have a room opening up in january. a friend might be moving in, but she isn't sure. however, if you are looking for a jan-april sublet and might be interested in a gorgeous place in east harlem, or know of someone who might be, let me know!

oh snap if this was an improv scene, john frusciante would have some notes for me! and no, i am not going to explain that.

TONIGHT!

you should head on down to the UCB theatre tonight at 11 and check out the first show for "In A World", starring a whole slew of very talented improvisors, and directed by shannon o'neill. the show is free if you attend any part of harold night OR are an improv student, and a mere $5 otherwise.

i would love to see you there!

<3
katey

congestion

is terrible. and right now it's sitting in my chest, waiting until tomorrow to make me cough. LAME.

i need to buy cat food and litter tonight. oh and roach traps. YUCK. do they make cat proof traps? ugh i dunno. i hate bugs. and i need to go to bed early tonight.

i found an itunes library at work that has a bunch of the national stuff that i don't, so i am listening to that and trying to find the snl sketches i missed on saturday. i found amy's palin rap, which was badass, and the mcgruber runner,. which are always fun, but that's it.

i got some more work to do.

improv update:
my 600 class is going well. it's a very supportive group onstage, for the most part. apparently my new go-to moves are to assume that retarded people always want to eat food out of the garbage and to ask people why their dicks are out. and apparently there is no difference between the way i play a crackhead and the way i play an old drunk man. in my defense, i know very few crackheads. also in my defense, i was on some pretty serious medication to stop my body from telling me to pass out. SNAP - was i high? i don't think so. we are making solid progress though, i think, and i pretty optimistic about the whole thing.

i stayed out to see reuben williams on saturday. i hadn't seen them since DCM! what! that's nuts! i used to see them every week! it was quite fun. they also happened to do a deconstruction, which is the form we are doing in the 600. it was very helpful to see it be done by an experienced team. i am very glad our performance class has had a form in mind from the begining. i think it's helped us greatly to focus on a goal. looking at other 600s with a critical eye (and no offense meant towards anyone involved), i think many itierations have failed because of a desire to invent a form that reflected the goal of the class. i think 8 weeks is just not enough time to focus on goals of the class as well bonding as a group AND a performing team, to also invent an entire form as well. basically, i think improv teams invent forms when they trust one another and have a great dynamic - teams that have often been together, learning one another's playing style for a year or more. forcing the creation of a form is just that, forced. it rarely seems work well.

trust is an under-utilized improv tool, i think. people tend to appreciate it when it comes about, and extol its virtues, but rarely do they do anything to actively foster or create trust (thanks to nicole for reminding me of that) besides hanging out. and coming from a background of group-process study, i know how much simple trust tools can change how any individual feels about and reacts to a group. it's something i've been wanting to discuss and implement, but which i am not really in a position to do so. i think i need to start discussing it more, at the very least.

seeing shark tank perform on friday night made me miss performing with a team. they had a lot of fun out there with each other. sigh. plus they did a scene about the worst rollercoaster ever (i think it raped them at one point, and then ruined the economy); who doesn't want to be a part of that?

in other news i managed to stab my lip open with my thumbnail during a wild gesture friday night... while doing some silly bit. LAME TOWN, population: me.

cats are so weird!

i had to be out ALL DAY yesterday. i left my apartment at 9 am and got back at 2:55 am the next day. having a cat literally flip its shit out when you finally come home after being gone that long is... well a reminder that you routinely are 'out' in the world for nearly 24 hours at a time. dinosaur sat on my chest and attempted to burrow physically into my heart when i got home. and then i shoveled his poop out of his litter box. he seems to be intent on getting at least one good, huge poop stuck firmly to the bottom of the box, every day. thaaaaanks cat!

also, he is utterly fascinated with my scooping his litter box. he sits and watches me like it's the most interesting thing ever. is this weird? are cats as interested in their poop as people are, when they are honest? eh, he's probably just trying to hunt my fingers.

fun improv night last night. in a jam, i had a tag out scene with gethard, and the intensity and honesty he put into asking a worker at victoria's secret to try on a thong but to make sure and stuff it in order to mimic a dick fitting into it... well, it was a mini-improv lesson in committment. bluvband yelled that there were snakes coming out of alan's bosom and then shot himself with a rifle. all around great times.

i am so tired. might be getting sick. loving this weather though.

some improv thoughts

i am going to transcribe some notes i took while watching a show i hated. when i read them later, i could still sense the vitriol, but i also really liked the way some of the stuff was phrased.

reproduced as accurately as possible: (i was writing in lavender)

-justification w/o game is boring
-game (pattern) w/o justification is also boring
-just calling shit out is lazy & boring and negative
-calling out unusual behavior is wanted by the audience & responsible, supportive improv
-forcing 'game' is creepy and frustrating
-calling out is a way of avoiding committing to the scene and your character choice
-have your scene partner's reaction force you to play your pattern / game.
-don't be fucking combative.
-EDIT / REACT / HELP / DEFINE / ACTIVE / LISTEN
-don't be confused or upset by the mundane.

that last is probably my favorite. it happens so often, and it's almost always boring and frustrating to watch.

and a note from a later point, on the other side of the page:

Zach Woods always wears blue button down shirts.

all the wine is all for me

what's happening, internet?

an iffy weekend that ended on a high note. in other words, i had fun group games, and solid third beats, but the 1st and second beats of my weekend were definitely really rough.

sorry, i'll never do that again.*

the lorelei had a great show last night, it really was a blast. good audience with a great line up and i wasn't a terrible host. i think my between show stories/bits went over slightly better, overall, which just serves to reinforce what i've found consistently throughout improv; that i almost always talk all the power out of my moves and lines, but if i just hold back and edit and... chose my moves and my words, i am way better. it was the same ting in writing college papers. i go on and on and on, and get excited about this sub topic or the other, and i lose sight of making the hard-hitting, well-reasoned points i was setting out to make. i'm working on it. taking my time. i am so impatient.

i kind of made myself tell some friends how i was actually doing, instead of the perennial katey mega-hit.. TELLING PEOPLE I AM AWESOME ALL THE TIME! it was good. talking is good. i also called my sister, which was awesome, as usual. she's pretty awesome you guys. and she has a wicked cool name. but mostly she's a good listener, a great audience, and i can talk to her about most stuff.

and i got paid out for my untaken vacation days at my old work and bought an awesome purse and wallet. and i went out to eat, TWICE. i went out to brunch with some lovely women, mostly friends of a friend, but it was nice. several had hung out with improvisors before, and it was funny hearing their perspective of them (us) has a social group to hang out with. most of us do have that strange combination of social awkwardness, combined with the need to be extremely social. and it was nice to just be girly. we went to UNI QLO, which was CRAZY. that place is awesome. and huge. and colorful. AND they will alter stuff you buy there, FOR FREE, same day. that is beyond baffling to me. plus they had reasoanbly priced stuff. i would have gone a little crazy if it hadn't been too humid in there. then i got caught in the rain and a guy waiting for the bathroom at starbucks complimented me on my glasses.

topics i wish to discuss what i have been thinking about... regarding those topics.

alcohol: i drank every night this weekend, and ate very poorly. and stayed up very late each night. my attempts at self-destruction are much like a kitten ravaging a foot under a blanket; vaguely annoying but entertaining for everyone watching.

improv: been thinking about it lately. SERIOUSLY. specifically how i write about it on this blog. i tend to keep my observations focused on my own stuff, and what i am working on. kind of weird. i guess i think i still don't have the 'right' to have opinions on improv in this semi-public forum. odd, because i have very definitive opinions about improv. i am going to try and write about them at least a little more often, and not feel like i am not 'allowed' to. i don't want to ever come off as mean or critical to someone about their show, because that isn't my place, but i am allowed to have an opinion and i want to focus and clarify my thoughts through the medium of writing. plus, while i have not been around improv for a LONG time, comparatively, i've seen A LOT of improv. in the last year and half, i've missed one harold night. i missed the first two harolds for 8 weeks when i had a tuesday class. otherwise, with the exception of few missed harolds here and there, i've seen them. i've seen almost all of bastian's shows, i think. i usually see new team harold and the 11 show too. and cagematch, another 2 teams. and i see an average of 6 teams perform every weekend. yeah, i get to have an opinion. DEAL WITH IT, SUCKAZ.

writing generally: i am going to start doing more. but for reals this time. i want to try to work on sketches, but i have a hard time concentrating on them if i am not immediately inspired, so i am going to start two other projects to work on concurrently as well; a collection of personal essays/stories and a novel. fuck. yes.

stand up: do more of it. streamline what i have. collect my best material and do it more often. in front of random people. simon was bugging me about it last night, and he's right. so's chris. i am in the process of seeing if i can get a second night at the parkside every month, just pushing it. advertising well, all that jazz. you know, being professional. oh yeah, you know, i can tell you know.

bits: i like them, and will do a fun bit until it stops being fun. sure there are times i DON'T want to be doing a bit because i want to be real for half a second, but i think sometimes people forget that we do bits to have fun.

relationships: i used to always want a relationship. then i realized i didn't, other, outside forces were telling me that i did want one. so i pursued a rigiourous policy of non-dating. the policy was softened a little over a year ago, and i went on 2 dates. a non-dating policy was reinstated shortly thereafter. recently, there has been stirring in the senate and house bodies to re: the total moratorium regarding all kissy-feely items the congress has formerly found reprehensible and icky. senate fillibusters have ranged in the gamit in topic, from the fact that perhaps earlier bills had been passed hastily, and with out all available information being processed and analyzed, to the fact that it might just be possible that katey is an immature idiot. this paragraph is fucked up, but i am not changing. also, sometimes you just want to be held until everything is alright. that's a thing, right? people want that? i don't know.

work: i still don't have a calendar, a tape dispenser, scissors, a filing cabinet, drawers or a lamp. i love it.

music: it's awesome. also, i am not sure if listening to music that resonates with your mood perfectly (and then obsessively listening to that song or album on repeat) is a healthy thing or now. i do know that i do it all the time.

also, 'flesh' by david gray is a truly phenomenal album.

tattoos: i am definitely in the process of thinking actively about what i want to get. i had a discussion with a friend about tattoo placement a little recently. but i have a couple of design concepts i want to think about more, and am excited by! pretty ink! all up in this bitch! DEAL WITH IT, SUCKAZ!

longest, ramblingiest blogpost ftw!

*will not be the last time i do that.

either

i am maturing and learning to clean and stay more organized, or new obsessive behaviors are brewing. either way, i'll take it, my kitchen sink is so nice and clean!

i think i need to start performing regularly again. or at least rehearsing. it's been... AT LEAST 2 weeks since i was a dragon or a monk or a petulant child or a one-eyed tomcat begging for change on the subway platform.
*

*1000000 points if you know which of those i actually play on a regular basis. BOOYEAH.

additionally... i am really appalled that people seem to be falling for this sarah palin move. although i must say i did fall for the comedy-pandering of picking someone with the same last name as a british comedy legend. WAY TO PANDER TO THE FAR LEFT OF ALTERNATIVE COMEDY, MCCAIN CAMP!

for realz though, here's a great article my friend posted: http://www.washingtonindependent.com/3671/the-reform-candidate

another thought: i forgot. but dancing is awesome, tell your friends!

breathe

i've been listening to the newest david gray song, 'breathe' obsessively as of late. someone sent me a high-quality rip from his live at abbey road sessions and it's amazing. really dark, with a crazy rhythm and rhyming scheme. a fairly complete transcription of the lyrics:

wake, wake and the moment's gone
wake, wake and the moment's gone
wake, wake and the moment's gone

and then the doorbell rings
somebody asks ya 'could
ya spare a little time?'
-to feel the weight's that's mine?
and lower down your guard
you'd let your heart get smacked
caught in the wheels and and dust cracks
dangled on the edge
breathe

feel you're in too deep
so offer up some crumbs
drop it in the tin
slither back within
your crenallated wealth
your educated self
your family in ruined health
and all the joy it brings
aren't we forgetting something?
feet out on the ledge
feet out on the ledge
breathe
breathe
breathe

and in the heat of noon
finds you like some dog
you're parked up in a field
hermetically sealed
scratching at the windshield
and howling at the glass
and anyone might walk past
were you not aware?
were you not aware?
breathe.

a sea of frozen lights (broken lives)
mechanics, doctors, housewives
feet out on the ledge
feet out on the ledge
feet out on the ledge
breathe

i cannot WAIT for the new album. rumored for fall 2008.

in other, less fun, news i've left my improv team, bad data. i probably should have left months ago, and i was sticking around for the wrong reasons. let this be a lesson, children; if you are upset about something in a group situation, and you don't address and deal with it, it will come out in other, negative and more hurtful ways. basically, grow some balls and be direct with people, even if they are way more passive aggressive than you are. it wasn't a bad break up or anything, but it still feels like a break up. it feels profoundly lame to be struggling not to cry at work because of improv comedy.

however, to be clear, i'll still be around the improv and indie worlds way too much. i never really needed the excuse of performing in a show to go see it and hang out afterwards though.

and if anyone needs someone to sit in for a show, i would most certainly be up for it. i'll definitely need the stage time.

DCM

a few notes:

at 6:30 in the morning, nothing is funnier than magnets and green shirts.

'rowar!  i'm a gay werewolf!'

'yes.  i am president carter.'

everyone is awesome.

sometimes i hate myself.

'where is my utility tool?'

'it appears YOU have nothing to bite.'

brooke shields is tall.

rob riggle is impossibly nice.

'let em laugh, let em laugh, let em laugh!

liar!

today's blog title is an homage to one of the healy-wurzburg girl's favorite movies growing up - the disney live action adaptation of the three musketeers from the mid-nineties! it really is a kick ass family movie, and i am pretty suprised that it doesn't seem to have the staying power i expected it to have. much like star chris o'donnel's carrier. and don't think that he's the only draw for the live action disney version either; the cast features oliver platt, tim curry, kiefer sutherland, charlie sheen and that guy who played the sub-lieutenant in 'robin hood prince of theives' with the scary deep voice. and that woman who was in the the before sunrise/sunset movies! and the priest from chocolat! seriously! anyway, it's a fun movie, watch it if it's on.

erm. what was i going to post about? oh yeah, i am a liar. i did not go home last night, i stayed for most of i got next, did 3 minutes of mostly shitty improv at 12:30 am and watched the power duo of starband (starzinski and bluvband) fucking rock my face. sigh. someday i'll be good at improv. SOME DAY.

i was up early for work today. i am doing the very little that needs to be done here. pretty lame. i wish i was taking the workshop i was supposed to with matt walsh. in oddly enough news, ian roberts asked me what time he needed to be at the classrooms on friday. it was surreal to write the next day's classes on the board, and have the last names be the founders of the UCB plus the last two AD's of the theatre.

well, i am going to be up for the next 20 hours or so, so i am going to go get some work done, hydrate and eat some peanut butter toast. BREAK!

p.s. if you are so inclined, come see bad data perform tomorrow at 8:45 am at the URBAN STAGES theatre of the del close marathon! should be ridiculous!

new beginings

so my work related stuff can be discussed now; i interviewed for a new job last week and this week, and was given an offer yesterday that i accepted! i am thrilled. it's working for a really awesome place called JWT, which is like that place that every 20 something independent woman who works in new york in the movies works at. it's modern and cool as shit, and seems full of totally awesome people. i am really psyched to join their team.

and it means i will no longer be an accountant, AT ALL. i am really thrilled at the prospect 51 weeks spent as an accountant is really far too many. and taking a pay cut because i don't have an accounting background? yeah, chock that up to one of the worst decisions i've ever made. however, i really enjoyed most of my time at my current position. i certainly learned a lot, and had a great time when i opened myself up to it. i am hoping that this new job will push me to develop my social time at my professional position; i tended to devote all my social energy to my comedy and improv circle over this past year and am planning on being more equitable in this new position. i think i will feel more balanced if i do.

so yeah, new exciting things on the katey front. in other news, i am interning tonight at my regular UCB shift, then probably going right home since i have to get up at 7 am tomorrow so i can leave by 4 pm to work ANOTHER UCB (DCM) shift... then be up for another 9 hours before my show at 8:45 am. then it's home to sleep until my 6 pm teching shift saturday-sunday. then up again until the krompf show sunday morning.

yowzers. still no computer.

real life entry

the dark knight was amazing. i saw it as soon as i could, and it was truly astonishing. this is one more drop of positive in a sea of nerds creaming themselves in pleasure, but it really was that good. it was thrilling and dark and intense and somehow uplifting. although it felt weird seeing it on a hot july day, i am glad it did, because watching that on a bleak february day would be too much to stand. it managed to make Batman Begins look like a fucking 'my little ponies' tv movie for crying out loud. i can't recommend it enough, you guys. it made me excited about film again!

i hope there weren't any substantive spoilers in that. i'm trying to avoid posting them, but it's hard when it's such a great film and all i want to do is talk about it. see it, and then we CAN talk about it.

walking back from the theatre, 'the only way' by mark erelli (as covered by ellis paul and vance gilbert) came up on my ipod and it was perfect. especially the following stanza (?):

But they circled wagons
They gathered round
As they bravely pulled our brothers
And our sisters from the ground
And I know
I owe them more
Than to be afraid

in obtaining that quote, i have found out that the version i have is a cover, and the original writer, mark erelli, went to bates college and might know kate spencer. i will have to ask her. 'oh hey kate, this singer songwriter i know from college... no i didn't go to school with him, he just did 1 or 2 shows every year on campus, and i have all his albums, and he's great; ellis paul? yeah well he and this other folk singer, vance gilbert covered this one song by this guy who i read about on the internet and found out he went to bates around the same time as you? uh. yeah. do you know him?'

note to self: imagining future awkward conversations is almost as bad as reliving conversations after they have happened and cursing yourself for every perceived awkward or potentially inappropriate moment.

bad data's show with 'thank you, robot' and 'we can't live in a cave' on friday was really fun. many thanks to the people who made it out. i enjoyed myself thoroughly. i teched the previous TYR hosted nights and it was so much fun, but it was great to be able to perform too. the whole night reaffirmed for me how much i need to put comedy generally, and writing and performing in the forefront of my efforts. i need to stop being a a lazy asshole. also, i had an awesome time at the bar afterward, which was much needed.

i tech'd a show on saturday, where it was roughly a billion degrees inside the theatre space. it managed to be a funny and thoroughly entertaining show nonetheless. my hat is off fat penguin and daystallion, two incredibly strong and talented independent improv teams for pulling that off. thanks to andrea and bridget in particular for being my 'lights helpers', hitting the lightswitch across the room to give the black out after the heat cause the entire lightboard and one of the A/Cs to blow a fuse. yay heat waves! i can't imagine what this city was this like in the summer before the subways were air conditioned.

my two rehearsals were both fun this weekend as well. amey goerlich is an awesomely perceptive coach. i started a new 501 class last night with zach woods. the first class was really great. it's a small class (13!) and it seems to be filled with really strong players for the most part. i am really psyched about learning from zach; his notes on scenes were spot on; no punches were pulled, but his advice was always well-thought out and constructive. and he was really emphasizing joining in the fun always, which is a major issue of mine right now. i feel compelled to be the straight man fairly often, and i am working on being more emotionally authentic in my performances; both of those things cause me to remove myself from the action of the scene and start commenting on it. i can start to keep my perspective while still joining in on the fun. TIMETOPUTTHATINACTION,MOTHAFUCKAS!

also, bridget (fat penguin) and seth (thank you, robot) are in my class and that makes me smile because i lurve them.

how can anybody know / how they got to be this way? (-the national)

my thoughts are pretty confusing and frustrating this week. a combination of continual lack of sleep, hormones and generally being a moron are mixing together into a lovely maelstrom-cocktail of me being a pathetic, panicky weirdo. and because i am chronically extroverted, when i feel these crushing waves of panic and ennui, i react by being even louder and more annoying and offensive than usual. often, my behavior is pretty funny, since until i get to the point where i am just inappropriate, i am a witty and energetic person. i have also found that people tend to laugh in panic when a crazed, small woman starts being incredibly weird at them in public. i think it must be an instinctual physiological reaction. a desperate attempt by our deepest lizard brains to subdue that member of the tribe who's completely lost it. laugh, and subdue the crazy person. chuckle, and help me with this rope. grin, and you grab her arms.

basically, on a semi-regular basis i tend to freak out and become a brittle and discomfiting weirdo, who is highly sensitive and negatively and intensely introspective. i am trying to work on it. partly by being more honest about what i am feeling. i always suspect that none of my friends really like me and when i feel weird or off or upset i usually clam up instead of expressing to people about how i feel. i had (improv, not red hot chili peppers) john frusciante as a coach recently, and he told me that when i am about to say a line that is loaded with emotion in a scene, i will say 'oh ____' or 'BUT ____' or 'REALLY _____' and put all the emotion into that first word, and let the rest of the statement fall flat. it's away of expressing my emotions a little bit, but then distracting everyone with a bunch of words at the end! and i totally do that in real life too! constantly! ugh. so now that i am aware of it, i am going to try to watch displacing my emotions away from their sources and feeling things in a more 'regular' way. in addition to hoping that i will grow as a person if i work on that, also, selfishly, i am hoping it will help me be a better improviser. hey, if you aren't an improv nerd, you don't really have to read that last part. i guess i could have told you that before. but i didn't.

there is a douglas adams passage about black, crushing despair and how it always hits students when they have essays due. i am no longer a student, but i do have several projects that i desperately need to sit down and focus on, including my resume, and writing my 1 person show, and doing the 4+ loads of laundry that i have been procrastinating doing for 2+ weeks (i am awesome at washing necessities in the bathroom sink you guys!) so that may be adding to the deep despair clutching at my heart and scrambling for a toehold in my soul. MAYBE. or maybe i am just allergic to inexpertly handwashed socks.

tonight, i am just going to sit and shut up and watch harold night. maybe i will give people hugs and just try to reconnect with people without doing a million bits.
YIKES.

random thoughts from today, 06/25/08

'oh the kitchen light is on. did i leave them on? oh. no. my roommate is back.' >slowly pulls up underwear before walking to the bathroom<

'blowing my nose shouldn't take this much effort.'

'i should write a sketch about film connosseuirs debating the merits of certain films as pinnacles of the genre, and then have them start listing the merits of the more well known genocides and ethnic cleansings were the best of their genre.'
>dibs on that, axford/gardner/oscar<

'i guess i am in that period before a personal performing breakthrough, where nothing makes sense and everything is teh suckness. or have i made it past that without even noticing... no, probably not.'

'hmmmmmmmm should i really ask someone out? no. probably not.'

'oh god chocolate and caramel and pretzels is the best ever omg there's even salt on top HOLY SHIT HOW AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW!?'

'my friends are awesome'

WEATHER!

CUT IT OUT. SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL. it was 62 degrees on monday. sixty two. i didn't need a coat (although i wore one anyways because i was being cautious). it was LOVELY.

yesterday, TUESDAY, a mere 14ish hours after it was SIXTY TWO degrees and mostly sunny out, it was about 35 out. okay, fine, be a capricious ass, fine... but by the time i scurried to class, and then from class to the UCB theatre to catch the 2nd half of harold night after getting thoroughly cheesed (good phrase) in class, weather, you had taken a turn for the MISERABLE. it was like 22 degrees and extremely windy out. to the extent that the seam of my jeans was actually chaffing my legs in a distinctly painful manner and i was shivering uncontrollably, even though i was appropriately attired and moving quickly.

and i lost my damn hat last week, weather! i'm trying to be frugal! i got that POS hat from h&m in new hartford, NY my junior year of college! i don't want to have to buy another shitty hat to cover my pathetically oversized ears! what the freak?!?

boo weather. way to be a huge fucking dick about it. you can go funk yourself, i refuse to address you until it's 58 degrees and sunny out, or may.

ruby sneakers? more like... zomby sneakers!

truth. i had to get new sneakers again, and there were NONE of my preferred cordovan rose sauconys anywhere in the whole of manhattan. at least, there were none at shoemania, where certain saucony styles were on sale for 30 dollars. you can still find my favorite sneakers available for sale there for 49 dollars, but i am trying to be thrifty so i bought a different, new and scary color.

my new 'kicks' are black, grey and a sort of aquamarine, greeny-blue. like my eyes, or my first car that wasn't the shitty 1990 surburban that i am not counting because it sucked so hard. they are cool, actually. they do look like zombie sneakers though. definitely the color of reanimated rotting flesh, if rotting flesh were to be stylized and made into a pair of modest, yet comfortable fashion sneakers.

i miss my ruby sneakers though. here is a partial list why:

1) they were pretty, in and of themselves.
2) they made me feel more dressed up and fun.
3) they were reminiscent of both the wizard of oz, which i was obessed with when i was very young, and the dark tower, which is bad ass.
4) every once in a while, people would see them and ask me if i was from the internet. while a little weird, it's a good way to meet people, especially when one is struck with the oxymoronic personality traits of hyper sociability and extreme social avoidance... that i am... struck with? BAD SENTENCE.
5) they had red soles so i could look bad ass when walking away from someone.
6) they matched my purse.


501... was awesome last night. really fucking intense, but so good. i had to do one scene like 3 or 4 times, and by the end i wasn't flipping out or hating it or all up in my head--I WANTED TO TRY IT AGAIN. what? that's crazy talk, you're saying. but it's true. really phenomenal class, we have so much work to do as a class, i am actually pumped for it. i caught the last 3 harolds of harold night, but i was not as focused on it as i would have liked (hungry, mostly), but i refreshed for cinnabonanza, which was a lot of fun. then i made myself go to the bar and push flyers for bad data's big show/party that is this weekend. and i had a blast, fun and exhausting night.

lazy friday

i am trying hard to focus today. however, it's been a very long week. i started feeling absolutely awful about halfway through monday, and then proceeded to get yet ANOTHER cold. that's at least three this winter, wtf. i haven't slept well all week as a result, and have been very very tired the rest of the time. wednesday night i ate something my body hated and so i felt awful all day thursday. additionally, it's been a very busy, stressful week at work. i have a lot of work on my end, and my boss kept giving more projects and riding my ass about them because she was ALSO incredibly stressed. not a fun combination. yesterday was the worst, a real perfect storm of having a very achy cold, my stomach being in knots all day and not really having time to recharge. i didn't even get to go out and buy lunch to treat myself because she asked me to sit in the office and wait for her boss to come down to a meeting... and guess what she never came down. blah.

but today is much better! the boss is out of the office, i have had very little to do so far, and have little motivation to finish the one small project on my plate for this afternoon. i also got a croissant and iced caramel macchiato this morning, so that helps too. as does listening to my ipod.

it's been a good improv week though. harold night was fun, if one of the lowest energy crowds i have ever seen there. it was bizarre. bastian really pulled out an awesome show, it was a lot of fun. i have really enjoyed watching them gel over the past year, they are a really smart and supportive team. fwand had a great show too. chelsea had probably the moment of the whole night with her 'but daddy, the merpeople are good!' line. so perfect.

on wednesday, bad data found out that we have been tentatively scheduled for cagematch 2008. right now our date is in may, so we have time to really fucking work on some shit and get better as a team. i am really excited to perform at UCB with my team. i have been fortunate enough to have performed in front of big audiences at that historic basement of gristedes a bunch (for a n00b), but it will be REALLY cool to do it wif ma teammates. i have performed on that stage with jess and brett in class shows i guess, but not since like last march or some shit. but yeah, i will blog the shit out of that when the time comes, don't you worry.

last night was the cagematch 2007 (not 2008, captain) finals and c, c, + c improv factory won! they really fucking rock that monoscene shit, yo. reuben williams put on an amazing show as well though. i really love that team an embarrassing amount. joe's mimed threatening of anthony had me in tears. the place was PACKED, despite it being miserable and wet out, i almost didn't get in. fortunately i huddled in with the a huge pack of thank you, robots, stamp and coin clubbers, fat penguins and bad data and we got decent seats, even though i got pretty soaked.

this weekend should be fun; hitting up the under st. mark's show at 10:30, then maybe going out if people are up for it. saturday night is sherpa's anniversary show, which i am missing :( mark mcadam, musician and awesome guy extraordinaire, is doing a coney island swandive set at the parkside, so i will be there for that to rock my shit out. it will be hot. then i will be heading up to hop devil or where ever the fuck chris 'hobbes' d'ambroso has been dragged for his birthday. should be a fun time, i hope it's not too cold. and i get monday off! awesome!

<3 katey

bad blogger, i am one

hello, internets. i have been pretty bad at updating this since august. ugh. a bunch of stuff did happen in that next month... and in the months following. my not-entirely-successful excuse follows.

in early august, i got an interview through a connection from a friend of mine for a new, REAL job. one that required actual professional work, and not just sitting at a computer answering the phones like a little bitch. which i ended up getting offered and subsquently accepting. i really like it alot, despite it requiring actual work which consumes my thoughts and energy, and paying a little bit less than my old bullshit job. it feels goo to do something where i am gaining tangible career skills. i have mixed feelings about devoting energy to NOT-comedy, but i feel good about it most of the time. my parents are very supportive of my performance dreams, but sometimes i feel like a crappy adult, and at least this job gives me a tangible, non-comedy angle from which to view my life and future.

basically, as a result, i have had significantly less time to fuck around on the internet... yet i somehow manage to keep with various forums... unfortunately, forums are easier to keep track of and make a quick comment on than trying to consistently work on well crafted (or not) blog entry, while at the same time being generally less constructive.

also, improv totally and completely ate my life. RECAP MOTHA UCKAS!
my improv practice group became an improv PERFORMING team! and promptly afterwards we had two people decide they couldn't devote the time to a performing team, then a line up addition, and then a few weeks after that, a line-up detraction. however, we've a hit a great stride with the 6 members in the group: kim ferguson, patrick clair, jess wyant, brett white, melanie hamlett and myself. we are known as 'Bad Data', and have been performing regularly mostly around the independent (non-theatre) nyc circuit since september. we've had good shows, and a couple great shows, and fair few shitty ass shows. the good and the bad (and the very good and the very bad) seem to even out though. if we were to chart the quality of our shows, and eliminate the exceptional outliers, i would still say we are pretty good, and getting better. brett actually informed me that our show last night was actually our 18th show. not bad for a buncha n00bs, huh? we even applied to be a cagematch team this year! fancy!

additionally, i finished level 301 with the amazing Joe Wengert and enrolled and completed level 401 with the infamous Charlie Todd. i am set to start 501 with insert adjective here Anthony King in february, cause apparently i just can't get enough reuben williams in my life. i don't know why i said it like that, it's true. RW 4 lyfe, amirite? 301 ended well, although our class show was not nearly as fun as the class as a whole had been. i wasn't too pleased with my scenes, but i made some good moves in the show over all that i liked... the show never really came together though. 401 was tough at first, i was pretty overwhelmed being a class with 15 other loud and agressive players. i had gotten really used to my little 6 person team, and being one of the more aggressive players there. however, it really smoothed out after the 3rd week. i started being more proactive when i felt overwhelmed, and taking the notes i was given and HAVING FUN. we did a 4 minute harold structure that really pushed us into having as much stripped down, fun game play as possible and it was AWESOME. really drove home that improv is supposed to be fun, and i vowed to always 'play' and have fun on stage. and both class shows were both a blast as well, especially the last show where the great cory brown pimped me into being a retarded elf, which i had already stared playing like a 30's mobster. it was obviously awesome. i even got to use the line 'i don't have the mental capacity think that i'm drowin!' onstage. funk yeah.

in the midst of 401, i happened to be selected to be on one of the 3 on 3 wild card teams. my teammates were the bombastic ari scott; musician, photographer and improvisor extraordinare, and the joyous josh, one of my 401 classmates! it was thrilling to say the least. we warmed up back stage, and decided to use our 7 minute slot to do a monoscene, which is just one long scene, with generally the same characters and location throughout. it was a pretty bold choice, considering i was the only one of the three of us who had ever done it before onstage. however, i must say we ROCKED it. performing to a packed house at the UCB theatre, and hearing a real roar of laughter at you or your teammate's move is a sensation that i won't ever forget. as the pugilistic ben schwartz wisely told me 'yeah, you're going to chase that.' and he's right. our show was a fucking BLAST, and i was really proud of what we had done. the most notable highlight was probably josh pulling out an actual douchebag after i had been calling him a douchebag the whole show, and demand stridently that we look at an actual douche bag. to which ari and i both nonchanantly acknowledged before discussing the danger of douching and the ph-balance affects of the process on the lady parts. it was really fun. we were one of 4 teams that night to move to the semi-finals on the saturday after thanksgiving. we were up against some huge names that night, and while our show wasn't as good as our first show, we still pulled it out and had fun and ended well. we didn't move to the finals, which were later that night, but that's okay, it was a really fun night. i felt proud that we were the only wildcard team to advance to the semi-finals that had no UCB harold team people on it, and, in fact, one of the few teams in the tournament that wasn't comprised partly or wholly of ucb or other theatre's house team members. again, not bad for a bunch of n00bs.

bad data also started hosting a free monthly show with two other groups, L, D & the scientist and 'thank you, robot'. it was the gossip-mongering ben whitehouse's (http://www.improvoker.com/) idea back before we even started performing, because the three of us have nerdy team names, so the show is called SYSTEM ERROR (binary optional). it's really a lot of fun. we switch off hosting and producing duties (not true, but in theory someone else will book one someday), with two hosting teams and one guest team. we've worked hard to give the show a relaxed, fun vibe, which i love. i've done a lot of event and show production, and a professional yet relaxed vibe is something i try hard to maintain. plus we all perform better in that environment.

so that about wraps it up for improv + my life. one of my few resolutions this year is to not neglect my writing and stand up, which i definitely had been in the last quarter of 2007. i love stand up a lot, i just need to work harder at it, and push myself more. however, late one night at some bar, the interminable will hines and i were discussing comedy (shock) and comparing stand up and improv, and he said something to the effect of 'stand up is better for your career [sic], but improv is much better for your personality', which is a sentiment with which i whole-heartedly agree! har har har, more brandy for the gentleman! and more moustache wax, on the double!

non-comedy news: the formidable takacs, my old roommate and one of my best friends from college moved out to chicago to get his ph D and be smart for a living. i am really excited for him, and i miss him. we had a lot of excellently retarded conversations in our east harlem pad. if you don't have someone in your life who can and will take any silly conversation or comedy show to it's intellectual extreme with little to no provocation... well, i highly recommend you find someone like that, because it's great. fortunately he came to nyc for xmas ans new years, so we were able to hang out and catch up. i see other hamilton people a lot less with him not around, which is too bad, but i am trying to be better about it.

but that means i got a new roommate! the incredible, edible tay moved here from kansas. he's a former arena football player and looks it. for 2 months, he was looking for a job, but finally he found a job working the door and merch for the new bowery venue, terminal 5. that led to him PA-ing on a couple music videos, and now working full-time on the production staff for a full-length feature. he has loooong hours, and only has one day off a week. it's quite the difference, he used to be home all the time and now i am lucky if i see him twice a week. tay's pretty great, and is a big comedy and music fan, which, of course, we discuss ad naseum. it's pretty fun.

2008:
i am going to try to push myself to 1) be more frugal (i've alread cut WAY back on starbucks starting in august; two lattes during the week and one each on sat and sunday), 2) write a lot more. i am working on some sketch shows write now, and i am trying to get back into the swing of writing intelligently on a semi-regular basis. 3) date. i actually dated a teeny bit in 2007, so maybe i might actually become a somewhat normal adult in say, 2-3 years. i am still not totally sure if all that relationship stuff is for me, but i might as well try, right? 4) be nicer and more positive. also, somewhat counter-intuitively, be more direct about stuff that bothers me. i have been 1-1 for this year. i almost got into a bar fight because i felt the need to explain to some barwhore exactly how rude she had been to a friend of mine, but i also didn't stick up for myself when i was being treated without respect (to be as obfuscatory as possible). so i am going to work on that.