falling

i tripped on the smallest, most pathetic sidewalk imperfection on saturday - full on spill, scraped my knees, palms out splayed on the sidewalk. LAME TOWN. even more frustrating was that i was with friends. some people might prefer to be a friendly, sympathetic face when in pain, but not me. like a dying elephant, i want to be alone to lick my wounds and pretend everything is fine. however, i surprised myself by not crying this time. had my palms been scraped up to the point of bleeding i probably would have cried, but it was on the edge just before that. i actually really thought i was going to hit my face on the sidewalk too. that would have sucked. although i have a weird fantasy about getting a black eye or scraped up face and pretending it's no big deal, but really letting people know how much of a bad ass i am.

that was weird. but true.

i later fell UP the subway stairs. that same night. i haven't fallen in new york ever, not in sleet and ice rain, or snow or iced over cobblestones downtown. or even down my uneven and rarely salted apartment stairs. and then twice in one night? not drunk. what the eff? i am blaming it 50% on the boots i was wearing (even though i wore them all winter) and 50% on probable lou gehrig's disease.

i can feel the nerves hovering, spinning, circling like a whole frenzy of sharks, right above my head. which is strange because you'd think the image would be below my feet. but it's not. above me. but fuck them! i shall continue to ignore them as long as possible.

somewhat conversely, i am trying to let myself truely feel things as they happen, and not just try to control myself and my reactions. it's 1) not healthy 2) bad for my improv and 3) i am not very good at it. i can control my attitude, not my reactions. oh AND it's a waste of energy and fuck that in the face. a phrasing that came up in conversation later in the night on saturday was that i need to say yes to me first, before i can say yes onstage. that's a pathetically improv-specific way of saying 'be content with yourself', but that's how i am packaging it to myself now. i am trying.

the lorelei was fun last night! the chrononauts had our first new, official show, which was fun and a bit crazy, but overall a good experience. can't wait to get some rehearsing in! 1872, and not a year we had before. good stuff. karate parade was fun, brought a mom. always entertaining. daystallion (bleastallionlinetv) had a SUPER fun show, and it was great to see them for the first time in a while. my stand up was okay to mediocre. the band that had the room at 9:30 got to the space at 7:30 and then decided to sit at the very front table, judging me and pretty much stay stony-faced the whole time. YAY i love that shit, except the opposite of that. it was really odd. but yeah, was a fun night regardless. i am considering leaving the parkside though... as much as i love the space, and i have had my show there for going on 3 years now, the turnover has just gotten ridiculous. it was a great space because of the people i worked with there. the current bartendars crank the music up to a ridiculous volume out front, and it's just not tenable for a some-percentage-will-be improv show. don't know what else to do, but it's something i am unfortunately thinking about. blergh change is for losers who like losing at things!

sister might come up for the weekend, which would be awesome. parties and comedy and all sorts of other fun things with my awesome sister. NICE.