fuck you, arby's. fuck you so hard.

i am in a fight with the manhattan franchise of arby's.

i have to go to lunch now (PIZZA, THANKYOUVERYMUCH), i edit this and update more thoroughly when i get back.

be careful in chelsea.

so a friend of mine was attacked near the magnet theatre on west 29th street on friday night. there is an area of construction along the street that forces you to kind of weave along a covered pathway, and two guys jumped down on him when in it while he was on the phone with his father. they started beating him up and stole his messenger bag that had his laptop in it. fortunately, a woman saw him go down, apparently and retrieved his glasses and phone from where they had gone flying. he is alright, physically, although he is pretty bruised up. it is fucking scary. i walk around that area late at night, by myself, several times a week. basically, just be careful in the area. i hope this isn't part of a larger trend.

also, yesterday, another friend of mine was walking by the projects on 8th avenue and 23rd/24th streets with a friend of his and had a glass bottle thrown at him from one of the buildings. it came very close to hitting him in the head and the glass went up in his friend's leg. he suspects it was because he and his black, female friend looked like a mixed-race couple walking together.

seriously, north chelsea/midtown south/west area? fucking cut it out.

it was my birthday on friday!

as previously mentioned, i turned 24. it was pretty fucking fun. we went to burgers and cupcakes (the one in hell's kitchen, and only 3 people went to the wrong one!), which could have been a disaster, but was totally awesome. and my secret, not-so-fiendish-but-definitely-tricky plan worked! by going towards their closing time, we were literally covered with free cupcakes and brownies. it was pretty fun. and we took the place over, there were like... almost 20 people there, which is pretty nuts. oh, i feel so loved!

post burger-ifiying, we made a complicated trek down to the peter mcmanus pub, which was great fun, meeting up with several people who were waiting there for us, and generally rocking the funk out. pete, my college friend and member of the sketch group bobby peru, recognized a class of '97 alum (who was a co-founder of bobby peru) sitting near us, so we bothered him for awhile, and my friend bucket wanted to know why he recognized brian berrebi. i lol'd and told him. long, but very fun night, after a very long, VERY shitty week. i went home (carefully, see next post) and went to bed. i woke up at 3:30 on saturday and resolved not to leave the apartment. i think i just watched tv for like 10 hours. it was restorative.

so if you came out and hung out, thank you so much for coming, you guys are effing awesome. and if you didn't make it, can buy me a drink or a cool present (like, a starbucks giftcard, to throw an example out there) to make up for your absence!

a thing that makes me angry in new york.

guys who sit on the subway with their legs spread more than 10 inches apart. hey assholes... you know what? i BET that your balls are none of the following:
1. five inches in diameter.
2. made of glass.
3. filled with a poison that will be released if either ball touches either your leg or the other ball.
4. contained within their own individual forcefields that effectively prevents you from putting your legs together like a decent human being.

seriously, this infuriates me. i live on the northern edge of manhattan, along the most crowded subway line. if i am quick, i can usually find a seat because i am pretty narrow. however, every day i see entire benches taken up by 2 normal-sized guys who seem to think that their balls have precedent to take up bench space that could easily be occupied by several other MTA patrons, for example; pregnant women, old people, or charmingly ironic comedians from massachusetts who do not deal well with early morning low blood sugar.

i really do not understand why guys do this. maybe some of my male readers will risk my castrating rage and give me a reasonable explanation that will force me to recind this rant. but i doubt it. until then, adjust your damn balls and let me sit down, assholes.

i designed these myself.

i will soon be twenty-four years old

so i will ennumerate some things i should stop doing because 24 is 100% in adult territory.

1) i should stop putting off projects for several months, or, in some cases, years. i have had a bag of clothing that i intended to bring to a donation place last june or early july. awesome. since that bag of neglected, ill-fitting clothing was collected, i have decided to be a comedian, and started my own show and... well, that is it. but that is a long time to leave a plastic bag in your living room.

2) stop going to bed preposterously late. i don't mean those nights i am actually out until 4 am hanging out with people, because that is fun and i need to do that more, but just those nights that i know i need to be in bed by 10 because i have to be up at 5:45 in the morning, and i still end up getting in bed at midnight.

3) spending money like... i have money.

4) not getting a new job because the one i have is complete nonsense. see #3 as well.

5) do more stuff. reading in cafés while enjoying a lovely iced latte is amazing, but i probably don't need to update my myspace profile twice in a weekend, or get into unbelievably stupid arguments with people on messageboards. or see that episode of law and order CI where that guy who they originally thought was just a witness actually turns out to be the killer for the 10893rd time.

there is more, but it is mostly dumb. birthday plans are in the making, email me or leave a comment with your contact info if you are interested in hanging out wif us :) it will be totally dumb and silly, i am sure. i will refuse to drink anything but one wild turkey and coke, and will probably make fun of a tough-looking biker, or someone who was having a bad day already and then they will pout and cry. good times.

i am not always angry.

this blog might give the wrong impression. it might make you think that i am some rage-aholic bitch who finds no pleasure in the world, or in people, or even in the simple things in life. while being disturbingly accurate at a superficial level, i am, in fact, a very happy, polite person most of the time. however, i have never been one for 'restraint', and when i get mad, i am MAD. and since i no longer live with my family and can't take out that rage by screaming at them for mostly no reason, i tend to get more mad about stupid shit, like people rubbing me on the street, or the people at the law and order franchise building (it must have a building now, right?) fucking up what used to be my favorite show.

so... just so you know, i love kittens that are adorable, especially ones that make silly faces and misspell words, and explain their actions in a 'im in ur >BLANK<, >BLANKING< up ur stuff format. i love music a lot, although i don't go to (can't afford) as many concerts as i used to. the office makes me melt inside, and i like making babies smile in a not-creepy way. do you believe that i am not a horrible rage monster now? i hope so, 'cause here is some shit that pissed me off this week.

1) going to a bar to meet people, and then those people don't show up. i hate that so much. especially when you end the evening eating a damn hamburger in the middle of a bar at an empty table. i win the pathetic contest for the week, yay! i am in a fight with... something mysterious and subtle to indicate to you who those people who stood me up were.

2) having two russian wannabe models pile into a tiny one stall bathroom with you and chatter at 2189031898 wpm at 92384983 decibels until your bladder contracts in hatred you attempt to storm out of the bathroom, but can't because the bathroom is too small and one of them is standing on your purse.

3) having your improv classes postponed two months in a row, and being polite to interns on the phone ANYWAY because you are a 'nice person'. and a pushover.

4) the rain. oh, it sucks. oh, and companies that leave their air conditioning on SUPER ARTIC BLAST HIGH even though it is 50 degrees outside since all that bullshit rain brought cooler weather.

okay, that's it. FOR NOW. remember, i am a happy, sweet person.

this is almost creepier than having a homeless man poop in front of you.

"TOKYO (Reuters) - Police found more than 8,000 pieces of women's clothing and lingerie in the home of a Japanese man who stole the items so he could sleep buried in them.
Maeyasu Kawamura, 60, was indicted for theft Friday, police in Osaka prefecture, western Japan, said.
Police found 2,400 pieces of lingerie, 600 kimonos and 5,200 items of other clothing all piled up high in his small apartment room.
Kawamura has confessed to stealing the items, which included a wedding dress.
"He seemed to get a thrill out of sleeping covered in women's clothes," a police spokesman said. "He seemed to like the smell."
No further details were available."

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUST12044520070601


i have absolutely nothing to add to this. i just wanted you to know.