how can anybody know / how they got to be this way? (-the national)

my thoughts are pretty confusing and frustrating this week. a combination of continual lack of sleep, hormones and generally being a moron are mixing together into a lovely maelstrom-cocktail of me being a pathetic, panicky weirdo. and because i am chronically extroverted, when i feel these crushing waves of panic and ennui, i react by being even louder and more annoying and offensive than usual. often, my behavior is pretty funny, since until i get to the point where i am just inappropriate, i am a witty and energetic person. i have also found that people tend to laugh in panic when a crazed, small woman starts being incredibly weird at them in public. i think it must be an instinctual physiological reaction. a desperate attempt by our deepest lizard brains to subdue that member of the tribe who's completely lost it. laugh, and subdue the crazy person. chuckle, and help me with this rope. grin, and you grab her arms.

basically, on a semi-regular basis i tend to freak out and become a brittle and discomfiting weirdo, who is highly sensitive and negatively and intensely introspective. i am trying to work on it. partly by being more honest about what i am feeling. i always suspect that none of my friends really like me and when i feel weird or off or upset i usually clam up instead of expressing to people about how i feel. i had (improv, not red hot chili peppers) john frusciante as a coach recently, and he told me that when i am about to say a line that is loaded with emotion in a scene, i will say 'oh ____' or 'BUT ____' or 'REALLY _____' and put all the emotion into that first word, and let the rest of the statement fall flat. it's away of expressing my emotions a little bit, but then distracting everyone with a bunch of words at the end! and i totally do that in real life too! constantly! ugh. so now that i am aware of it, i am going to try to watch displacing my emotions away from their sources and feeling things in a more 'regular' way. in addition to hoping that i will grow as a person if i work on that, also, selfishly, i am hoping it will help me be a better improviser. hey, if you aren't an improv nerd, you don't really have to read that last part. i guess i could have told you that before. but i didn't.

there is a douglas adams passage about black, crushing despair and how it always hits students when they have essays due. i am no longer a student, but i do have several projects that i desperately need to sit down and focus on, including my resume, and writing my 1 person show, and doing the 4+ loads of laundry that i have been procrastinating doing for 2+ weeks (i am awesome at washing necessities in the bathroom sink you guys!) so that may be adding to the deep despair clutching at my heart and scrambling for a toehold in my soul. MAYBE. or maybe i am just allergic to inexpertly handwashed socks.

tonight, i am just going to sit and shut up and watch harold night. maybe i will give people hugs and just try to reconnect with people without doing a million bits.
YIKES.