Tuesday, September 2, 2008

moving on

it's been a weird time for me recently. not bad, weird. everything is changing, and i don't like it. i've changed jobs, left my improv group, basically lost all contact with a majority of my college friends, renewed my relationship with some other college friends, albeit, perhaps, superficially. maybe i've grown up a little. but i feel like i probably haven't. and i think i am most upset about losing those college friends. i've been out of college for 3 years now (yikes). that drift happened gradually, i think. there was never a big fight, or a team meeting, but now i am suddenly not in the north crew, or whatever that amalagam of college friends was. as a group of friends, in college, they were unrivaled. i honestly believe that; especially that freshman year. for a weird, intensely extroverted, yet almost-totally-without-friends kid from the white-trashiest part of massachusetts, and how incredibly accepted i felt by those girls in north -- i have a hard time putting into words how much that meant to me, and how much it utterly changed my life, for the better. september 11th, literature and ethics, fogey, commons breakfasts, snowball fights, guster, howie day, those damn, awful, terrible, amazing bathrooms, the shower curtains.... and everything else. running by my door and INSISTING that i come with them to dinner even though i had a paper due... and the dinner would last for 3 hours and lou would eat something disgusting. laughing at my silliness... and my jokes. all those things mean... they mean so much to me. SO much to me. and since we've graduated, i've not been invited or welcome in an increased number of their events. a good part of me is happy; happy finally to have their point finally proven. the point being that no one really likes me, and they've all been hanging out with me under duress for however long they've been FORCED to hang out with me. damn, what an unattractive personality trait. regardless, a larger part of me is just sad. i'll treasure those relationships, and that 'groupness' for the rest of my life. they were the first people in the 'real world' to ever let me know i was worth it. i'll love them forever. i am incredibly lucky to have found a new york circle of friends, that's so rare to manage, after college, but... well, north's special.

i should also add that this complex i have makes it really hard for me to express how much it hurts if i haven't been invited to something. i just shut it all in and expect everyone to realize what it's like in my fucked up head. obviously they can't... but it sucks. i need to work on that.

sorry, i just needed to get that out.

in an effort to make this not quite so... well bullshit sad-sack complaining, i am watching steve carrell on an old conan and it's so good. i love him. i returned the jeans. i cleaned a good amount today. the apartment's not really presentable, but better than it was. i'll need to do a real purge soon.

i bought shoes today. i almost don't feel guilty about it! they are for work. i need to think of an outfit to wear to work tomorrow... with them. i am honestly glad to have a job where i want to think about what i am going to care about what i wear to work. i'm sure it will get old, but i like it right now.

time for bed now. good night, internet.


benzado said...

Funny, I also just watched that episode of Late Night (but later than you, thanks to TiVo disk delay).

Re: inclusion: I've been there.

Brendan said...

i feel you regarding the inclusion bit. at the same time i'm going through something somewhat similar where i'm feeling alienated from guys i've been tight with since the early nineties.

Hal said...

Me too.
About the complex.
Not the jeans and shoes and stuff.

Anonymous said...

Hey Katey,

I totally totally agree with the stuff you said about being hurt when not included, but being unable to be vulnerable and admit that yeah, I'm just sad to be left out. That really resonates with me. And I love your memories of Hamilton. I was a freshman year Kirkland girl, so I feel ya on the gang showers :)


ruby sneakers said...

hey selena! it definitely sucks. i hate talking or thinking about this kind of stuff, but the universe seems to have deemed this the week of everyone going off together without me, so i'm trying to force myself to deal with it.


actually, i moved to the suites as soon as i could. <3 babbitt. but north was the best place to be as a freshman, i'm still convinced of it.