gonna lay some realness down on ya.

my cat's kind of freaking out. i think he misses teh roommate. he'll be all sweet and lovely for about 25 minutes, and then he starts freaking out, attacking ghosts or some shit. CRAZY! see!? he just ran around the living room twice and half jumped on my stomach. weirdo!

i managed to pull my left leg / ass muscles while teching a show last night. god damn i hate teching at the creek. the booth is in the ceiling and next to the heater; it was at least 95 degrees up there - i SMELLED by the end of the 2.5 hour show. and it has the most awkward ladder / stairs ever. and i'm always convinced i am about to fall 16 feet to the floor. and my leg hurts like hell. i ran around all day at work, limping like an ass. walking around my apartment with a cane is actually much more comfortable, but i don't think i have the gall to leave the house with it. hopefully this won't take too long to clear up. but ow!

phrases: i go through phrase phases; lately my thing's been to call any number 'a billion'. not very interesting. but i have been swearing by saying 'holy cock and balls'. not very interesting either, but there it is. and i like to put a good ole 'jiminy CRICKET!' when i am really astonished/appalled by something.

improv thoughts: i am terrified of making mistakes. i will put things off for months because i am afraid of failing or fucking up - and yet i go onstage and make shit up with other people in front of other people. i mean. what's wrong with me? i can't puzzle that out. however, i have decided to not be mad at myself for fucking shit up onstage. i have PLENTY of other shit to loathe myself for. i don't need to hate myself for making shit up with other people. ALWAYS HAVE FUN. i'll forget that.

people thoughts: people are pretty awesome. i keep replaying some conversations from this weekend in my head and laughing at how fun it was. parties! people! fun! also thinking about an old friend. i learned a hard lesson from him; disappointing people. it's vital. we cannot be everything to anyone. if we, as humans, are lucky, we can be everything to someone. or if we're, probably equally, lucky we can be a lot to a bunch of people. but we (i) have to disappoint. lying to people to try to please them NEVER works, and is hurtful to the person you're lying to. MORE hurtful than just displeasing or letting them down. it's a lesson i had a hard time swallowing; both that my friend was... not nearly the person he portrayed himself as and also that i needed to do that myself. my mom is very much a people pleaser - she can't say no. that's not quite the same thing as trying to BE everything to people, but it's similar. fortunately, i am more of a bitch than my mom, and i can say no. however, the core lesson is one i needed to learn, because i want people to like me, and i am at least reasonably skilled at being likable. regardless, i was reminded of the lesson today. lessons! eventually they don't suck! (right?)

new favorite game: watching the people in the background of antiques roadshow jealously looking on at people getting jackpot appraisals. also, being grossed out by the outfits.



see? now the cat's asleep. weirdo!