long and rambling / seriously i mean it / don't read this

---- midnightish, christmas day -----

very fun day, although i had a little freak out on the path train to hoboken (where you catch the new jersey transit train that takes you up metro-north to new york. obviously.) because i kind of hate new trains and traveling. once i have taken a particular train or trip a couple times, i am fine; but at first, i loathe it. there is a reason i never thought i would live without a car; i much prefer driving and being in control over fucking asshole trains being inexplicable. but it's also probably better for me. anyway, there is basically no signage at the 14th street path train, which is fucking infuriating. i just guessed and got on the first train that came; always a great fucking idea with new york metro area trains, right? and fortunately the hoboken path train is connected to the NJ transit station-that's-actually-the-metronorth-west-train-line. OBVIOUSLY.

remind me to go to the doctors. my heart keeps beating weird. and not in a romantic, fluttering-heart-clenching-pit-of-your-deepest-being associated-most-commonly-with-love' way. in a real 'i should probably be scared by this but instead i just find it kind of interesting way'. i don't get dizzy from it, but i am also fairly convinced your heart shouldn't go 'thumpthumpthump ---(ominous pause)--- bumpdathumpthump thump da bump thump da bump'.

------the next day-------

it's late. well, late in the day when i should be traveling already. i still need to pack and head to boston. i am not looking forward to it. i am in a way, i want to see my family, but i need a day of nothing, no travel or anything. sigh. i gotta get ready now. and i need to clean and get the apartment cat stocked / ready.

i am trying to decide if i should bring my usual giant back-packing bag or a big duffle bag instead. and i think i am bringing my laptop home too, which is another weight / thing to pack.

god damn this is boring. sorry everyone. i kind of suck. self-loathing is a terrible, wonderous, motivating, paralyzing thing.

nicole's family was a total blast and i had a really fun time with nicole and chris. it was maybe the first time i've ever gone to a friend's family's house for dinner and they just put food out, let you get it yourself, and didn't subsequently nag you about what you ate or didn't eat. it was heavenly. i did have to take my shoes off at nicole's parent's house (AHGHGHGHGGGGHH) but fortunately not at her aunt's, where we had dinner. i've gotten a lot better* about most of my peculiar OCD dislikes, but the shoes one is NOT one of them.

---------later still--------

i am on the bus. i was going to try to take bolt bus for $20 instead of fung wah for $15, but you seem to need to print out your boarding pass for bolt bus, and i don't have a damn printer at my house. they have internet on their busses; worth it! however, instead i am on a shitty fung wah bus, sans internet but plus laptop. and $5, for that matter. i missed the 4:00 bus because the idiot woman in front of me in line at the atm took FOREVER. and i needed to get cash because i damnedly forgot to get anything for the super / cleaning guy for my building, so i awkwardly shoved some money in an envelope and signed it from me and tay. i'd also left some trash outside my door to take out in the morning, and he'd brought it down for me. i don't even know his name. i. am. an. asshole!

------a bit later-------

bus stopped at a rest area. thank goodness. i'd had to use the bathroom on board the bus, and while i had used a pre-moistened washcloth thingy, and a spray hand sanitizer, but it's not enough!!!1 washing is categorically different from just wiping cleaning stuff on your hands. so i washed my hands and even bought a 6 piece chicken nugget. the only fast food i ever eat is wendy's, which is hardly fast food, and the last two times i had mcdonald's (over a year ago, at least), i've gotten rashes. so we'll see how bad of an idea that was soon.

there's some guy clapping really loudly along to his music across the aisle from me on the bus - like he's a flamenco dancer. it's fucking annoying. oh good, the guy in front of me made him stop. interesting!

i've been reading dune; it's finally starting to catch my attention. it has foreshadowing 'retrospective' passages at the head of each 'chapter', which always kind of stress me out about shit that hasn't even happened yet. gods, i am so weird. i am reminded of a toothpaste for dinner blog entry; 'it's exhausting being this weird, but thank goodness i am not normal'. i've probably butchered that terribly and bent it to suite my nefarious needs. like usual.

---- a poem (?) -----
the smell of sadness; nicotine pouring off a man's coat
a memory; the smell of stuckness; old nicotine and big red gum
but it's okay if he's grinning.
recycled air on a bus; the smell of frustration
that kind of headache that hovers around the sides of your head; but doesn't quite dare to settle in fully.
screaming, running kids in mcdonalds; the sound of family that wants a quiet car.
looking out through severe glasses - punishing weak eyes by taking them off.
an old couple leaning against each other like newly-in-love teenagers; they've already begun looking like each other. i can tell their genders, but only with some effort.
how to say something to someone when you barely understand it yourself.
i guess that's most communication though. we just usually pretend we know what we're talking about.
i don't respect bitterness and resentment marinated and turned to cruelty; the lashing out of immaturity.
don't get afraid; get angry. and there's so much to be afraid of.


----- a clarification -----
*okay not really that much better. a little better though. although i've had to start not letting myself redo things if they 'feel' wrong. that's a little too crazy, even for me.


------just kidding, gonna keep writing-----

thinking about college a lot lately. maybe because i was able to see takacs on xmas eve. maybe not though. i dunno, that's not the point. college was.so.huge; you learn so much, so fast. i loved it. that first fall break home, when i felt like i had grown up entirely in 2 months and was treated the same; meeting the preppy WASPS; shockingly, growing up in a rural, swamp yankee backwater of massachusetts affords little insight into that particular population subset. a capella! gah that shit is HUGE at elite liberal arts schools; the groups, the politics, the greek aspects; the DRAMA. and the music is usually decent. i guess i just get to laugh extra hard at andy on the office. the only a capella i have is one copy of 'insomniac' from rachel's ham tech mix. i am glad i have it.

some lyrics to leave you with:
angel you sing
about beautiful things
and all i wanted to do
was believe
but i traded my dreams
for this mess of memories
and they just stopped working for me
-matt nathanson



there's no meaning
in clothes and coffee cups
cheap hotel furniture
where silence never stops

through the water
through the rain
to the soul of everything
i throw my heart out
on the stones
and i'm almost gone

and now i'm dreaming
i'm staring at the walls
the cars all frozen now
in late night waterfalls
-david gray

we just passed a bob's discount furniture. still on the damned bus. i brought my lighter, but longer coat. hope it's enough for massachusetts -> maine -> poughkeepsie. the national weather service seemed to think it was going to be quite mild all weekend, and in all those places

------ home in uxbridge, several hours later------

home, in my parent's living room, watching friends. damn satellite tv recorder. ate pizza with my parents. got yelled at for swearing by my mom. sorry mom, you don't get to tell me not to swear after... 7 years ago. and i learned it all from youuuuu!!

i am washing all my clothes so i don't bring any cat hair to maine. my dad's family has a ton of allergies.

okay, i am seriously going to end this now. NOW.

rash update: no rash yet.