look up more

i have been gripped this week by another bout of deep numb depression (?); i was flying pretty high for a couple weeks, but attempting stridently to ignore it and not give in to the wildness my thoughts seemed capable of did not work, in the end, to avoid the inevitable (?) crash.  besides, if you ignore something, it's not happening, right psychology?

today i decided to walk over to my old, favorite, high quality but also cheap, chinese buffet.  the place, ho yip, is around the corner from my first job in new york, and i've been there off and on for almost three years now.  it was lovely out, and i was finally startled out of my reverie of dark thoughts (god i'm such an ASSHOLE... why do i suck so much... my legs hurt... why can't i feel anything?!? vast chasms of formless greyness are not what life is supposed to feel like... why are all my thoughts moving at 1/4 speed?  i am such and asshole) by the utter beauty of the interplay between new york buildings.  i wasn't even in a pretty part of town, but the stunning composition of the skyline; one turn of the century building's details paired against the strict background of an 80's glass monster set off by the art deco facade of a grand former bank... it was kind of breath-taking.  combined with the first day where the hope of spring was tangible in the air... i was feeling much better by the time i made my way back towards the soaring met life building that my office borders.

normally when i walk in the city, i look down and forward, like a good 'native'.  unless it's late and there's no one around, i rarely stop to admire the scenery.  or play games of 'take my glasses off and see how close i need to be to that sign before i can actually read it and not just guess what it says'* variety.  i don't pause and wonder, unless it is really late at night and i won't feel like people are assuming i am a tourist when staring open mouthed at the wonder all around us.  although most natives would probably assume only an out-of-towner would gape idiotically on 20th street at 3 am, so i'm probably not being any wiser.

so look up more, new york.  it is wondrous.

however, upon arriving at the chinese place, i found that they raised the price of the buffet by an additional $2 per pound.  ugh.  i loaded up regardless, i was there after all, and then got to the cashier only to find out that they ACTUAL cost of the buffet was an additional $1.50 above what was posted on the signs, so my supposedly economic splurge of the friediest foods i could imagine was a total bust in the money department.  

they put the plastic buffet containers in a plastic shopping bag, which i am always so worried about bursting open inside the bag and spilling all my chinese everywhere.  i wish their packaging was sturdy, like a subway sandwich.  if only subway didn't taste like white trash sadness and sugared, cheap bread, my concern for utility and practicality of design would be married to my desire for a delicious lunch.

i worry all the time.

*last night some lady almost started kicking my ass as i played that game in the union square station.  she started making a bee-line towards me (presumably to go to the downtown 4/5/6 track), so i changed my angle to miss her, she READJUSTED her trajectory so that she would still be intersecting with me, with the possible intention of getting me up against the wall (union square station), i yelled 'get the fuck out of my way, asshole!, right as she almost body checked me, and then kind of bolted past her before she could touch me, and she started screaming obscenities and inviting me to fight her.  it was an invitation i stridently ignored. once i got to the platform, i turned and looked so i could watch the stairs in case she decided to follow and put her case more forcefully.  she might've been attempting to mug me, which is the only reason i can think of that you would basically run a person against a wall like that.  not scary, but adrenaline-y.  my first instinct is to yell swearwords.  good to know.