Fear Is The Mind Killer

This was originally posted on my tumblr in response to a video Zach Linder posted - an excerpt from Jerry Lewis' film "Errand Boy" - I can only link it on blogspot, but watch it if you can, and then read my response. Or just read my response, it's just about improvSHOCK!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8MA3406YJUg

So many reactions to this - but the one thing I want to add is that we should be aspiring to this level of commitment and style today. Especially in improv. The next half-assed scene I see, I am going to scream. In improv, fear manifests itself in a lack of willingness to commit to our scenes. It’s fear that causes ironic detachment, or clinging to some kind of internal scene-world logic instead of fucking reacting to our scene partners and committing to the reality of that scene.

I think we have to give ourselves permission to be AMAZING. Let’s consciously give ourselves permission to be this tight and good and sharp - because if we don’t, we INSTEAD, often unconsciously, give ourselves permission to just fuck around. I don’t want to see that. I don’t want to DO that. I guess what I am trying to say is that we need to give ourselves the permission to fucking RULE, to be amazing and talented - and not the permission to fail.

What I am NOT saying is that we can’t let ourselves fail. It’s improv. We are making shit up. Sometimes, it is going to fail. But we can decide how we are going to fail - spectacularly or ironically. Avoiding failure is just another kind of failure.

Spectacular > Ironic

This is sounding more and more like Amy Poehler’s quote about how she treats improv as her sacred space - as her church. I believe that so much right now. I want to stop judging and just treat that stage and that rehearsal space with that level of commitment. It’s also just a really useful metaphor. Even if you don’t view the improv stage as your personal sacred space (although if you’ve been doing this for more than a couple years and you still don’t think of it that way… not quite sure why you are doing it), you would still respect it as such right? I am not a Christian, but I still respect cathedrals as spaces.

Relax, and have fun, but don’t relax your commitment to sacred success. Let’s give ourselves permission to take ourselves and our performances seriously.

I know it is weird that I have gone on this rant after watching a tightly scripted / timed, non-verbal musical bit from a film. But just because this shit is basically the opposite of improv, and benefits from nearly everything improv specifically eschews doesn’t mean we can’t do shit that is EVEN MORE AWESOME.

Pretty Much Totally Different

In September, I lost my job.

In October, I finally submitted the show I have been hemming and hawwing about finishing, for a spank audition slot at UCB. (I got a date, but it's been moved, so I will update once I know when it will be.)

This week I teched 3 shows, all of which were pretty intense, but I barely fucked up at all. I started a class on Thursday, which was really fun - one of those rare instances were every scene was memorable and fun. It's a 600, and one with a great cast and a great teacher (Kevin Hines), and while it can't possibly be that fun for every class, I am really looking forward to it.

This weekend, at the Creek Fall marathon, I played in 5 improv shows... and I don't know. Nothing really felt right onstage. Not sure why - not really even in a frame of mind to process the shows. I need to be fucking on top of myself about saying yes. Note to self: commitment isn't just the absence of commenting on what's happening onstage .

Today, I finally bought new scents from Bath and Bodyworks, went through the box of possessions my old work sent me, recycled a bunch of stuff, cleaned a fair amount, rearranged some furniture and had a hot chocolate.

Tomorrow, I train for a part time job, start another new class, and tech Whiplash. Nervous about all three.

Bed time. Brain, quit being such a dick, k thnx baaaaai.

So I took some time off...

I am going back through and trying to catch up on my friend's posts. It's nice to do. I am reminded of how impressive and intelligent and charming most of my friends are, at least in writing.

I am not sure exactly why I have not felt compelled to write anything on this blog for 6 weeks. I have been updating in an incessant and irritating matter on my tumblr site. That link is http://rubysneakers.tumblr.com/ if you are interested in the videos I find and random musings I provide on a daily, did I mention irritating, basis.

My life since June 1st has been a bit of a roller coaster, although I supposed most times in my life seem remarkable for their up and down emotional / event energy, when in fact, most daily experience is far more average than that. However, I would further qualify that by adding that despite that belief, it has felt both wildly emotional and blessedly calm and sans anxiety.

I had a birthday, some parties, cried a lot, went on vacation, ate a lot, felt gross, felt cute, felt fucking stupid, felt hilariously smart, went swimming, called India and China, procrastinated, felt worthless, had a crush, listened to a lot of music, read a bunch of books, watched a fair amount of TV and also of improv, had the world crush in on itself, danced for no reason, danced FOR a reason, went barefoot, got a light sunburn, and had my wallet stolen.

That is neither a complete nor a chronological account.

Let's see if I keep this up! Now I am off to Kmart!

JUNE! JUNE! JUNE!

it's 14 days until my birthday. as a kid, my birthday was often either close - to or the actual last day of school. it was pretty awesome. the middle day of the middle month shall once again be the most looked forward day of the year! i am focusing on june being awesome, if only in my reaction to stuff. i am kicking off this determination by watching arrested development while compiling expense reports. ONWARDS AND UPWARDS!

fascinating improv read: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_de_Maat

having had christina gausas for a class recently, and currently being in a VERY deeply reflective period, reading about this gentleman really puts a fire in my bones about teaching and coaching. i have been thinking about constructive notes - notes that basically instruct you in a way of getting over a hump or difficulty or habit, without necessarily explaning what that barrier is, and descriptive notes, which tell you what you are doing wrong without necessarily helping you get past it. i really want to start coaching soon. the teacher often learns more than the student and i really need to learn.

the other thing i have been thinking about is playing honest and playing real... i am still missing something in my 'real' reactions. they are often still too commentate-y. but when i try to react 'in character' i end up doing a false, improv-y reaction. i have to work on that. not sure how.

once i finish this current class i am in (gethard 504), i am class-less for awhile. i have been told it's a good thing to have a break... but i don't think it is. i want to keep working on stuff. if i stop, i am absolutely going to backslide into my worst habits. it's inevitable. i don't have a regularly rehearsing group right now, so i will likely only do the occasional show all summer unless i put together another group... ugh sauce. no deal.

in other news, if anyone sees one of the reusable VENTI starbucks cold cups that look like the real cold cups, buy it and i will pay you for it. be sure to check the bottom of the mug though, the grande reusable cups are the same size as the disposable venti cups. the venti reusable cups are taller and say '20 ounces' on the bottom. woot.

back up, start it again

i feel like going backwards.

like i AM going backwards.

frustrated and tired and dull.

in so many things in my life, i wish my reaction to pain and frustration wasn't negative.

even happy cat isn't doing it for me today:

just measure my damn chest

i've gone to three different stores trying to get measured for a bra. i know every bra i am wearing right now is the WRONG size. however, every single time i go in, i get overwhelmed and freaked out and then i pretend i am shopping for something else entirely. today, i even bought something else. i don't know who i was trying to fool, it's not like anyone else knew i what i was planning to do when i walked in the gap. also, i used to work at the gap, i hated having to measure people for bras, i don't want someone else to have to do that. it's just weird. i don't let anyone else look at my lady bits, what makes YOU different, woman in a black suit at victoria's secret? hmmm?!

re: the gap, both things i bought today were terrible and are going back tomorrow. along with the jeans i bought last week. apparently i think i am made of money. also, i bought the new jeans before realizing that i'd lost 10-15 pounds and i am sure that won't stay off since 1) i like my ass and 2) the 'don't eat lunch because you don't have time at work and then forget to eat dinner since your night was filled with activities that don't provide easy access to filling food' diet is probably not going to catch on.

my birthday is soon. i am trying to decide what to do for it. i'd like to find a bar/restaurant with an outdoor area which is fairly inexpensive and is not way out of my way (since it's my birthday y'all). i am definitely doing something this year. i didn't last year and it was sucky. suggestions welcome.

the laundromat was closed for memorial day. thusly, i washed socks in the sink. big whiskey and the groogrux king er, leaked. sorry, DMB. i, of course, plan on buying for legit soon. actually, it will probably be my last purchase at virgin union square. i am intrigued by some aspects, disappointed by others, and made hopeful by others. so much better than i was fearing. i plan on listening to it a lot more and really trying to get into it. update to come. yeah probably not.

'LOST' is a club

one i could easily join, and yet persist in avoiding because of laziness. oh hey, childhood. what's up.

CYCLES.

twitter and tumblr are full of my random thoughts much more than this ole thang recently. i think in part because i feel the need to be serious or honest here, and i don't feel much like doing either of late.

in fact, that's not true - i just don't feel like engaging in either emotion in order to write. surface level is easier than deep.

look octopus!

Why It Is Important

I am failing at being articulate today so I am posting the mostly unexpanded / edited thoughts I had last night, in response to my improv instructor's comments about not 'doing it for Harold night/quitting if you don't get on a team'.

I do it because of it, not for it. This is the first time in my life I have worked this hard at something i am not good pretty quickly. I have that kind of personality, as much as I try to fight it. I am lazy and I like to be successful and have people notice how successful I am. Improv is... the sustained 'want' of it is so visible and apparent -- a want that is visible not only to one other person, the way a confessed crush would be, or perhaps to an additional handful of friends, but rather apparent to EVERYONE in the community whose opinion and talent AND friendship you value. To put this into some kind of perspective, I don't open myself up to that kind of inspection and subsequent rejection in ANY other part of my life. In fact, I assiduously avoid it, to the point where I don't even tell people I have crushes on them until 2 years after they've moved to another state.

That's a little bit why it makes us so crazy. The want is deep and fresh and apparent... and it makes it harder to pull any positive emotion out over that scorned hurt. And at the end of the day... I understand people not being able to deal with that, and just leaving over the pain of it. I get it. If you love the game/girl/boy/artform, and the game/girl/boy/artform keeps rejecting you... man it's hard to keep at it.

I should add that you should not stalk people. Not even two years later when they've moved to a different state.

In 'conclusion', if I am not on a team in X number of years... which is likely given the breadth and depth of talent in NYC improv right now... I will stop trying, eventually. I assume. I don't know. I don't want to stop trying... but I can imagine a situation where quitting trying is the best thing to do for me. Anyway. Read above note on articulation ability today.

i ALWAYS do this

when the woman i get on the phone on AmEx travel is the dumb one, i pretend i am getting a call from my boss and that i will have to take it and call them back, as opposed to trying to deal with her.

she'd screwed up travel stuff several times though for my people so i think i am justified in it. i just feel like an asshole every time i do it.

no sign of love behind the tears

i am expressing my mood via clothing today. i am wearing earth tones. but... well... imagine i am wearing black.

i joined twitter, sorry.

sometimes i just want to punch everyone in the face, and sometimes i just want to laugh and have fun.

focusing is for suckers. i should have taken today off, i think.

this one is pretty too

i have been doing well writing in my non-internet journal - 'well' meaning that i have been doing it regularly and i think the insights i am gaining from the process are valuable. no need to talk about it more than that, really, but i did have a really crazy day yesterday. moods bouncing from medium to blackly upset but with no energy to even react to anything; i sat on the train unable to write, read my book or even play solitare on my ipod (that's bad, trust me). but somehow, when i got into my apartment, i proceeded to clean the fuck out of my room, AND rearrange my bed, and sweep and do two loads of laundry... that's a lot for me. sometimes it really is better to just do something blindly physical / vaguely compulsive than to sit and just write or stew.

however, i ended up putting my bed back in close to it's original position - my head was right near the loud, dirty window which is just not acceptable to me. i am still considering new configurations for it, but there aren't a ton of good permuations for the shape of my room. but i was willing to make the change, for the first time since i moved in in 2006. (yikes)

i also didn't talk to anyone all evening, even on gchat. well i posted on a messageboard some, but that is less interactive. anyway, that's interesting to me because i am very social, and even if i am sitting there quietly, i am still being social, most of the time. since i didn't have anyone to share it with, and i kind of love it, i am sharing my status messages for part of the evening:

katey healy-wurzburg
♫ left my glasses at the OTHER end of the apartment. fuck it.
katey healy-wurzburg
♫ got my glasses. oh, i'm watching HELLBOY. i wondered why phoebe looked all red and chandler was on fire.

eh? eh? no? okay fine.
busy weekend coming up.

this is my journal

isn't it pretty? i think so.

emoodtional

Yeah, that was terrible.

I have a few thoughts I will hobble together.

I bought a new pretty journal for keeping track of my moods. The pages are color coded; purple for happy and related contenment, red for rage and related obsessions, blue-green for sad sack bitching. I hope I am able to keep it up, and I think it might help my efforts to be more rational in my assessment of my own behavior. Is it weird that I am trying to do that? I think it is.

I am considering stopping drinking soda. As much. Cutting back on stuff generally. I suppose it is standard to feel fat and gross and squidgy when the weather turns nicer. Did I mention cottage-cheesy and pale and a variety of other skin-based issues?

On that attractive note, I've had SUCH relationship envy lately. I am not sure what's bringing it about. Maybe just impending 26-dom. But combined with my sudden interest in potentially putting my mouth on other mouths... it's a weird time in katey-land, internet.

My life has thus far been starved in the realm of experience.

I don't think it's possible to truly articulate heartbreak rationally with words. And that's why we have art.

My legs are so tired. I wore my sort-of-heeled flats on Saturday and then accidentally did a lot of walking in them. For the evening I switched to sneakers so it was okay. Today it was NINETY FIVE DEGREES outside so I broke out the sandals. They're comfortable, but not supportive enough so my feets get tired almost immediately, which I hate. My feet seem to be hot-wired directly into my 'function-normally' center of my brain. I honestly don't understand people who can just kick around in whatever, or barefoot. The higher-functioning aspects of my brain sort of shut off if my feet are not totally supported and dry and warm. If someone were to make a Maslow's pyramid of needs for me (about me?), the base would be: food, then foot comfort, then rest of clothes, then emotional support system, then Starbucks.

Regardless, I spent the day walking around in my sandals, until I got to Shoemania and bought an entirely different pair of summer shoes. They are probably ugly, but they are comfortable and cool (temperature-wise) so WHATEVEERRRRR FASHION SUCK MY DICK!

Then I walked some more, slightly more comfortably. It really was beautiful out. My skin smells like air and sun and all the good parts of summer in New York City. Jealous?

Today's Random Note From My Notebook:
remember this good feeling and choose at every moment to pursue such contentment.

it can be that simple.

HERE BE DRAGONS, AND THEY ARE BETTER THAN YOU.

guess what country has the best flag? WALES DOES BECAUSE IT HAS A DRAGON!

they aren’t even a real country and they still have the best flag. jealous, america? well you should have thought of that before you decided to invest in pussy straight lines and intersecting diagonals INSTEAD OF A DRAGON.

another quote about humanity

You have this thing you call... boredom! It is the rarest talent in the universe! We heard a song - it went 'Twinkle twinkle little star...' What power! What wondrous power! You can take a billion trillion tons of flaming matter, a furnace of unimaginable strength, and turn it into a little song for children! You build little worlds, little stories, little shells around your mind, and that keeps infinity at bay and allows you to wake up in the morning without screaming!

-Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

lyrics to 'a new day at midnight' THE SONG

oh my word i've never seen
a day so golden, earth so green
put my face into the street
that i might see what might have been
all my heart time has flowed
feet that pass along the stone
i hardly recognize my home
all the paths that've overgrown
the music and the laughter gone

oh my soul it never felt
so free of all the chains i built
all the shame and all the guilt
are vanished now beneath the silt
i'm striding across orion's belt

oh my word i have
oh my word i have
oh my word i
oh my word i...

i have been trying to find the lyrics to this song for awhile. it's confused by the fact that david gray named an album 'a new day at midnight' without including the song 'a new day at midnight' on the album. however, the lyrics issue is TRIPLY confused by the fact that the phrase 'a new day at midnight' doesn't appear in the song at all either. which is pretty unusual for mr. gray. and i can only find one mediocre quality recording online, confused, again, by the title.

in 2007 (at least) he played the song a few times live, explaining that the song was inspired by his reaction to the birth of his daughter not proceeding as simply as he expected it to be (aw). interesting (to me) because he's notoriously private about his personal life.

actually, none of the key words in the name appear in the song. sigh. regardless, here are the lyrics as i have transcribed them (poorly). link that, internet!

the limitations of blogger become clearer.

Nicole: I did not realize

that during the entire whole foods bit

you were wearing a moustache

like, it didn't register

we are insane

i changed the name of my blog.

and now for an unrelated story: last friday night i walked across manhattan wearing a fake* black moustache. and surprisingly, got a ridiculous number of compliments from all manner of passersby. it was an interesting experiment, and fascinating that every comment i heard (at least) was either overtly complimentary or neutral in tone. admittedly a fair number of those comments were a just a way of letting their friends know that they just saw a girl with a moustache walk by, but it was still interesting that they oriented them in a positive manner.

the best one i got was from a middle aged woman who shouted back at me as i pushed by her group that i was 'looking good!'

the best part was alan and i whining / throwning fits in whole foods to our mom nicole who was trying to hurry up our dinner selections and not letting me get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! or alan get his chocolate milk. that was silly fun.

fun! next time i will pretend it's real, maybe.

*shocking, i know. i actually had it on upside down for most of my walk. embarrassing!

get dressed and then we'll call you and cancel and you can try to go back to sleep

that happened to me twice this weekend. the first, saturday, was weather related, and fine, really since i like sleep. and it was dark and raining out so i could actually fall asleep again. however, it happened AGAIN on sunday when i was supposed to go visit family in poughkeepsie. i texted my dad to let him know that i would be getting in at 11:30 since i missed the 8:58 am train (because fuck that), and then i got a frantic text -> call from my mom FLIPPING out and telling me not to come. i was barely awake and didn't understand why being an hour later made it POINTLESS for me to come visit, since my aunts were leaving today, monday, and not sometime sunday afternoon. actually i still don't understand it, since it doesn't make any sense. but whatever, my mom was feeling tense and worried and i didn't want to exacerbate it so i just agreed to visit them later in the month and go back to sleep - which is what i wanted to do anyway... gah confusion! mooooom come on!

i realized later that night that i should have just invited the nuclear unit into the city for the afternoon; that could have been fun. and it was a lonely easter. damn barnes and noble closed at 7 so i ended up going to whole foods and virgin records instead and buying a couple CDs (john legend and a genesis collection - score!) and a DVD of 'close', which is supposed to be very good. it's probably just going to make me wish i had the soundtrack instead though. bummer.

i think i am going to start using like... capitalization and shit on this blog. i have sort of been neglecting this one lately, in general, especially when compared to my manic effusion of content on my tumblr. it's just a lot easier to use than blogspot (is it blogger? i really don't like that name; i am going to persist in calling it blogspot).

i know i have booked my show this week, but i can't remember the teams i confirmed for the life of me. i hate it when i do that. but i remember liking the line up as i made it... i need to leave myself more easily accesible notes of my thought processes.

i don't think i have slept more than 5 hours in an row in probably 3 or 4 weeks. but i feel mostly fine, which is a problem in itself.

NO THROUGHLINE FOR THIS POST EITHER, AWESOME, WAY TO GO.

things that happened recently

friday night: audition was fun! although i nearly vomited in the bathroom before warming up, i warmed up all my nerves out with an awesome group and we went in there and smiled and had fun. i went out for the first scene, where my scene partner threw up a tiny bit of vomit on the ground, and then later denied me. and i still had a reasonable amount of fun. later, i did a scene with jeremy bent that was fun as well. 50% of my 'handsome' audition group got callbacks, which is straight up awesome. i did not, which straight up sucks. it's way easier to have a shitty audition and not get a callback. but whatever, if i am going to get critical, my games were 'eh' in both, and in the second i did a silly voice and only set up some stuff. it was no 'insert some scene you remember that i was actually good in', that's for sure. trying not to dwell, but it would have been to nice to have someone on that panel who i felt 'had my back'... or at least, had seen me do good stuff. i had a 1) a teacher from a class i was awful in, 2) someone who'd coached me in a shitty practice group a couple times, 3) someone i did the lottery with 2 years ago and that's probably the only time he ever saw me play ever, and i bet he doesn't remember and 4) someone who coached me in one very mediocre rehearsal. what i am saying is: WENGERRRRT DAMN YOU!! sigh. moving on.

later friday night was fun, saw a pretty good show, was tired. yelled confidence and advice at some friends, both in person and online. did the same on saturday, plus a super fun action pals show. then watched hotel rwanda and got a couple good cries in, and a little perspective.

sunday was bad. but it was possibly the nicest day of the year yet weather-wise, so i walked around the city, all over, cried a bit more, did some window shopping, got a bunch of texts, almost bought a desk, waited in line for a bathroom for 25 minutes, wanted to make a bunch of impulse purchases, but didn't, and eventually even ate some dinner. sunday night was the last show of the smirk inferno, so that was fun. and probably helpful.

the amount of love and support you give out not only comes back to you, but it soothes your own hurts. it fills you up until there is no room for any sour vindictiveness. but it would have been nice not to get QUITE so many 'so when is your callback?' messages. that... that i could have done without.

in conclusion, it's devilishly hard not to consider it a review and judgment of your progress, talent, and therefore, self-worth. i've had a bunch of knock-em-downs lately, but i still feel pretty fucking good about shit in general. i know that i have gotten better, and that i am a funny person, and a supportive player. and now i have finally realized what my biggest problem has been onstage over the last year or so; i haven't been playing confidently, i have been playing fearfully. and when i play confidently, i play better. when i get up and just do my thing and not worry about fucking anything up, or something going wrong, or someone making a stupid, asshole move, that is when i am good. playing out of fear means i start making shitty panic moves. playing out of confidence is fun. and i want to always have fun. i know i can do it.

summary thoughts:
i am sad. but i feel stripped down and somehow more focused at the same time. i wish i had a new class to really explore this in. however, fortunately i have a show tonight i CAN do this in! that's right, this whole in depth post was really just a trick to promote my show tonight with phil weintraub; we are doing school night tonight. be prepared for us playing a bunch of different characters in the scene, me telling phil how to jerk off, and if we are lucky, a lecture about medieval armor or the penis strings of the yanomamo! can't wait.

harold announcements going out soon, i'd guess. good luck everyone.

oh man we almost lost the lap top

i just drove around midtown in a van with no windows for almost 2 hours! it was crazy! fortunately i didn't forget how to drive, but it's been at least 7 years since i have driven anything that big. but we figured out how to get over there with a minimum of fuss - as a strict pedestrian, i mostly do not remember which way streets run except by picturing them in my mind and trying to remember which way whoever tried to murder me in a cross walk was going. fortunately the traffic was relatively light.

however, as we were loading stuff out of the van onto the cart we brought (RAIN! DAMN YOU STOP FUCKING UP MY HAIR!), the lap top, the single most expensive and important part of this damn meeting, FELL OFF AND WE DIDN'T NOTICE.

let me say that again.

a company lap top (that's probably worth $300 but they would charge us $1500 for losing) fell off the cart and was somewhere on 37th street.

AHHH COMMENCE PANIC SWEAT!

i immediately sprinted out of the bar and back to street, running down the block while trying to do so carefully and scan the sidewalk. i searched the van again, in case we had left it. no luck. as i am walking back, about to call my coworker and lament our fate of owing the company money for doing a bunch of extra work for no extra pay, i spotted it! the fucking lap! it had been wedged behind one of those fire hydrant water suppliers.

and it still worked. internet. it's been a fucking day. i think i am going to skedaddle early so i don't explode or have someone try to rope me into driving a tugboat up the hudson for our company retreat.

<3 xo again.

p.s. apparently snow patrol co-owns that bar. good to know.

re: harold auditions and stuff

this is to my new york improv friends.

older friends who auditioned last year: i love you all. we have gotten SO FUCKING GOOD over this last year especially. we all work really hard, and we have SO MUCH FUN. so whatever happens on sunday, please know that I am proud of you. no matter what, we are going to keep doing this and having fun and making the new york comedy scene sparkle with our talent and passion for this art.

new friends who are improv babies even to me, an improv baby: sunday and tuesday and wednesday will suck for most of us. try not to let it get you too down. it will be fun again, the sun will come out, and remember it's your first audition and you never have to audition for the first time ever again. focus on having fun and getting better.

to everyone: if you get a call back / on a team / fall in love and get married in a whirlwind, 48 hour affair, i am happy for you. so incredibly happy. but i might not be able to show it properly it through all the sadness for my own lame-o self. so i apologize in advance if i can't show it. i love you guys, i am excited to audition and have fun, and i am excited for the eventual return to normalcy.

<3 xo
katey

i tried to take today off

but instead i got roped into coming in so i could help a co-worker set up an off-site meeting. which means in about 10 minutes i am going to be driving for the first time in about... a year maybe? a van. through mid-town. in the rain!

ah what!? i am such an idiot. an idiot laughing at herself but a dumb head nonetheless. i don't mind driving, i have driven in manhattan before, and i used to drive a 70's style jacked up suburban in HS. it will be fine. i just can't believe how weird today is turning out. one of the guys i work for fucked up his travel and apparently it's MY fault and he is angrier than a wet cat in a small bag because he had to pay 185 euros that he is going to get reimbursed FOR FUCKING UP. he just astonishes me sometimes. one of the other people i work for came by my desk at 12:20 and asked me to print up a 'few things' for her meeting at 1. a few things turned out to be 39 files, ranging from PDFs to documents to excel files to the dreaded power point files (save as PDFs, the assholes always crash my computer). it took me 45 minutes of doing nothing but that. madness. i need a massage to get this neck tenseness out now.

it's also raining and i straightened my hair this morning so fuck that.

NOW IT IS THUNDERING AND LIGHTNING OUT MY WINDOW. WHAT IS HAPPENING WORLD?!

things in my mind

can take several of those items on my 'to obsess about list' off. thank goodness! that's a sarcastic thank goodness! i've just realized i only use that phrase sarcastically. will need to change that.

anyway, feeling a bit trimmer and more focused. had fun last night at harold night. i have great friends.

came home and cleaned out my refrigerator a bit. it was gross. got distracted by omegle and went to bed too late.

my face hurts. can i get a face massage? without breaking out? is that even a thing?

ok, i'm blowig this joint. it's motha - uckin steak and potato soup tiiiiiiime!

a list of things to remember, dr. lanny latham style.

1. Be confident
2. Remember what you do best
3. Have fun
4. Make the move
5. Drink plenty of fluids
6. Be confident

cross blogged from my tumblr, sorry internet.

an update made of nerves and adrenaline, fashioned on a skeleton of confidence.

signed up for a harold audition slot, and again a slew of awesome people picked the same slot after me so i have a great group to go in there with. i am really excited to grab dinner and chill with them beforehand, and then get all warmed up and head into the audition room. we are 9:10 friday evening, and the group consists of myself, dave beezy bluvband, matt little, steven slate, drew nelson, sarah claspell, adam bozarth and jeremy bent! what a group! fun. looking 'forward' to that. i am actually looking forward to playing with them, not at all looking forward to the 3~ weeks after 9:30 friday night, which will suck to varying degrees no matter what.

in conclusion, a list of things i am potentially obsessing about:
(i.e. i could be obsessing but am not necessarily actively obsessing)

harold audition
general harold night changes unrelated to my own position therein(/out?) (oh no change!)
my maude audition
new roommate (oh no change!)
sister visiting (oh no, other person in my space / grill!)
a party in brooklyn (out of comfort zone)
the chrononauts
the show i am trying to finish writing and submit
what i am going to do about the lorelei
will hines 600
my laundry
returning some clothes
wearing a dress
skin/face/body
work stuff (expense reports oh no!)

that might be it.

<3 u, internet.

not cool

i want to write about meeting my heroes, not falling on the damnable sidewalk!

congrats, gethard. that's literally the coolest thing ever. jealous.

when first typing that, i first wrote 'songrats', which kind of works, and then 'congreats', which works a little better.

i am tired. i am already sick of these jeans. it's going to be a long day. harold night sold out like a week and a half ago, so i will have to run out after new team harold to wait in the standby line, which sucks. it only sucks cause i am a whiny baby and i miss being an intern.

bought a new scarf. ANOTHER ONE. it was on sale though.

can it be spring now, plz?

falling

i tripped on the smallest, most pathetic sidewalk imperfection on saturday - full on spill, scraped my knees, palms out splayed on the sidewalk. LAME TOWN. even more frustrating was that i was with friends. some people might prefer to be a friendly, sympathetic face when in pain, but not me. like a dying elephant, i want to be alone to lick my wounds and pretend everything is fine. however, i surprised myself by not crying this time. had my palms been scraped up to the point of bleeding i probably would have cried, but it was on the edge just before that. i actually really thought i was going to hit my face on the sidewalk too. that would have sucked. although i have a weird fantasy about getting a black eye or scraped up face and pretending it's no big deal, but really letting people know how much of a bad ass i am.

that was weird. but true.

i later fell UP the subway stairs. that same night. i haven't fallen in new york ever, not in sleet and ice rain, or snow or iced over cobblestones downtown. or even down my uneven and rarely salted apartment stairs. and then twice in one night? not drunk. what the eff? i am blaming it 50% on the boots i was wearing (even though i wore them all winter) and 50% on probable lou gehrig's disease.

i can feel the nerves hovering, spinning, circling like a whole frenzy of sharks, right above my head. which is strange because you'd think the image would be below my feet. but it's not. above me. but fuck them! i shall continue to ignore them as long as possible.

somewhat conversely, i am trying to let myself truely feel things as they happen, and not just try to control myself and my reactions. it's 1) not healthy 2) bad for my improv and 3) i am not very good at it. i can control my attitude, not my reactions. oh AND it's a waste of energy and fuck that in the face. a phrasing that came up in conversation later in the night on saturday was that i need to say yes to me first, before i can say yes onstage. that's a pathetically improv-specific way of saying 'be content with yourself', but that's how i am packaging it to myself now. i am trying.

the lorelei was fun last night! the chrononauts had our first new, official show, which was fun and a bit crazy, but overall a good experience. can't wait to get some rehearsing in! 1872, and not a year we had before. good stuff. karate parade was fun, brought a mom. always entertaining. daystallion (bleastallionlinetv) had a SUPER fun show, and it was great to see them for the first time in a while. my stand up was okay to mediocre. the band that had the room at 9:30 got to the space at 7:30 and then decided to sit at the very front table, judging me and pretty much stay stony-faced the whole time. YAY i love that shit, except the opposite of that. it was really odd. but yeah, was a fun night regardless. i am considering leaving the parkside though... as much as i love the space, and i have had my show there for going on 3 years now, the turnover has just gotten ridiculous. it was a great space because of the people i worked with there. the current bartendars crank the music up to a ridiculous volume out front, and it's just not tenable for a some-percentage-will-be improv show. don't know what else to do, but it's something i am unfortunately thinking about. blergh change is for losers who like losing at things!

sister might come up for the weekend, which would be awesome. parties and comedy and all sorts of other fun things with my awesome sister. NICE.

i think

she may have made my bourbon and coke with FUCKING CRAZY juice and coke. i am freaking out right now. there is no reason to have the energy i have right now.

unfortunately it's not an... 'active' energy... i am just sitting on the couch vibrating gently. this is bullshit!

guess i'm up for a while longer. sigh.

when i say 'sigh', really i mean 'aaaghghhahahhaahhaghvrfehgwnksnc as-fajr seihfkls'.

things

unacceptable:
your father friending you on facebook
grandmothers popping on gchat unexpectedly when you have a status message about cocks (even if it was a quote from a legitimate british television show)
excessive nerves
incredibly rude assholes talking loudly during the end of a show because their show is next and they think they should already have been able to get onstage (NOT FUCKING TRUE, DICKWADS).
negative thought spirals

acceptable:
the F train
breakfast
work

awesome:
friends
comedy
conversations about the following: comedy, other friends, ayn rand and the ridiculousness therein, die hard, college
books
walking around
improv comedy
cagematch
bars
new friends
comedy
the word shmugadoos
sean hart
comedy... wrestling!
cagematch shows

okay i will stop. friday! focus! expense reports!

don't panic

it's beautiful outside. utterly gorgeous. i wish i was at home so i could throw some windows open.

last night was preposterous amounts of fun. had a great last class with christina gausas' 2 person scenes class. such a great group of people, and despite being skilled, funny people before the class, we all bonded and ALL became... MUCH MUCH MUCH better improvisors. it was an astonishing transformation from everyone. i will post some more specific stuff i learned tonight, but i have finally gotten the impetus to have a permanent attitude adjustment, i think. towards positivity, and fostering that amongst my friends and peers. SUPPORT IN EVERYTHING!

after class got out, i made a short detour to drop off my maude actor submission thingy, and then to a liquor store for some fancy jim beam whiskey, gristedes for a fancy bottle of coke, and then to wait in line to see if we'd be let into o'harold night (no). however, i dealt with it by getting pleasantly drunk and fucking around with friends in line. then the show ended about a half hour before anyone expected and various people were poured out of the theatre (hope everyone is okay today, hugs all) and we were eventually told to bugger off since the mono y mono show had been post-poned. then we attemtped to scale mount mcmanus-on-st. patricks day but rapidly thought better of it and headed to the ever-so-lovely flight 151 and whiled away a few hours with equally lovely company. all in all, a most successful evening.

didn't sleep much, but work started fine. some focusing issues, but mostly good. however, in the afternoon, harold team auditions were announced. heart immediately began thumping in my chest, trying to escape maybe. ugh. i am going to try to chronicle my experiences this year, since i tend to gloss over a lot of what is really going on in my life in this blog, in the interests of some weird notion of privacy, or fear, or whatever. silly things. i want a record for my own purposes! anyway, that's happening soon. should be interesting. before that mind-fucking madness, i have several awesome shows this weekend to look forward too, an awesome party next weekend AND a potential little-sister visit AT THE SAME TIME, and general awesomeness spread equitably therein.

it's really, finally spring time. and i love it.

monday? really?

god fuck monday. this is miserable. i found it basically impossible to wake up this morning. sucked.

--caffeine+calories injection--

positives:
okay, i am making some progress on the stack of expenses i have to process today. and accidentally spending twice as much time on my hair this morning seems to actually have helped, since i my hair looks decent. i just need to accept that the length is terrible for curls right now and i need to plan on blowing it out. and that i need a flat brush because the round brush i have is infuriating. i also actually put make up on as well, let's see if this works to trick my self confidence into kick-starting. like pushing a standard transmission car until it gets to 35 miles an hour. same dif!

we have a 2 hour long company wide meeting starting at 3:30 today. i hope i shouldn't be nervous about it anything. boo economy!

i hope this week is 75% more awesome than last week.

time for $1.90 pepperoni pizza special! boo yeah!

could i revive within me her symphony and song?

my cat and i are sitting next to one another on the couch, facing each other, both nearly asleep with our heads propped awkwardly to one side.

i win though, i am wearing my best sweatshirt. BLOCK ISLAND FOR LYFE!

day 2 of zicam. i think it's working. most of the time, it feels like i am having a cold in fast forward, and then i occasionally get sorta dizzy and whatever i am looking at looms strangely large in my field of vision. fascinating!

i had such a lovely night on friday. teched the rogue elephant show, every group was really fun so i was able to find them good black outs. then we went to the bar, and i had literally dozens of excellent and fun and interesting conversations with new and old friends. what! my perfect night!

my sister is awesome. i called her up before the show on friday and figured out that she had been the jerk who'd gotten me sick, and she gave me two little gems:
1) wait, i can't get you sick before i show any symptoms, can i?
(katey: um... i am pretty sure that is the point of illness.)
2) is it bad to go drinking after taking robitussin night-time?
(katey: alexis... that's how like... um... a bunch of hip hop artists died. i think it's called getting crunk.)

i returned some shirts to uniqlo today, and ended up finding a pair of jeans i actually liked and fit well. they were under a sign that said $19.95, so i just grabbed them. the woman at the register was like 'you know these are 2 for $49.95, right? and i was like 'yeah', thinking that made sense. dumb face. i guess i need to go back and get another pair, because as of right now, i have stupidly paid double for a pair of jeans.

finally, a difference between me and douglas has appeared: i rarely clean my arm with my ear / vice versa while napping. success!

song to the siren

long afloat on shipless oceans
i did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving to your isle
and you sang
sail to me
sail to me
let me enfold you
here i am
here i am
waiting to hold you

did i dream you dreamed about me?
here you hare when i was fox?
now my foolish boat is leaning
broken lovelorn on your rocks,
for you sing, touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow:
o my heart, o my heart shies from the sorrow

i am puzzled as the newborn child
i am troubled at the tide:
should i stand amid the breakers?
should i lie with death my bride?
hear me sing, swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you:
here i am, here I am, waiting to hold you

-tim buckley (not jeff buckley, as i had originally blogged here; this is a song written by his father, who also died at a shockingly young age (28)).

i am addicted to root beer

lately, i can't go a few days without buying some sexy brown glass bottle, claiming to have the best, freshest, most herbal rootbeer imaginable. i don't know why. i will settle for national brands, but for some reason, bodegas throughout the city seem to be prejudiced against barq's so i hardly see it. A&W is acceptable, but just barely. maine root beer is good, abita root beer is acceptable, virgil's is great, stewart's is good, but colored by the knowledge that their birch beer is better and available in only 2 locations in manhattan... that i have found so far, anyway.

someone schedule the dumbest intervention ever, please. i am off to go to hale and hearty for lunch just so i can buy a bottle of boylan's to go with.

i was wrong

the other movie i was even MORE scared of was 'the last unicorn', because there was a talking skeleton that tried to get drunk and it scared the shit out of me. so that and backdraft. i don't think i even saw all of backdraft, but it was enough to scare the shit out of me.

annoyed with my hair.

i have an idea for a poem.

i feel frustrated and blank and stupid but also totally fine and content with pretty much everything in my life, and even excited by some things. mercurial forevah!!1

i have a bunch of stuff i should be working on. might take the day off tomorrow so i can do laundry and also get some work done. probably won't though.

transistioning

i like being asleep. i like being awake. it's the transition between the two that i can't get right.

this is a cover of jeff buckley song, song to the siren, by (gasp!) david gray. i just stumbled across this earlier today... it's so fucking beautiful. check it out:

right click, save as

my sister might come visit this weekend. i think it would be awesome if she did.

okay, lunch time.

oh, it was 'bright lights'

how apt.

disparate thoughts, mayhaps a common thread

have you have found yourself drawing in those deep, shuddering breaths common after a desperate cry, but with no memory of such a cry?

today, i felt like a functional, responsible adult for the first time in probably a year. maybe ever. i didn't procrastinate once, i ate responsibly and at reasonable intervals, mailed my tax forms, and paid several bills. fancy! i even had enough stamps!

it's gloriously liberating to do a scene and worry not even one bit about game or finding a game. it's strange how much that low level dread and worry and anxiety to FIND a game has been filtering in and choking my scenes and reactions. there is a douglas adams quote relevant here, i will find the exact phrasing later.

i forgot about matchbox 20 for awhile. then, tonight, i had one line refrain from some matchbox song and i couldn't, for the life of me, figure out which. so i listened to them all the way home, and remembered why i used to listen to them so much. maybe a little heavy handed and occasionally simplistic, but for the most part, i really love rob thomas' songwriting (and singing) and i think they are really fun as a band. they will be reintegrating into my line up.

it's silly and exhausting to me to worry about whether or not what i am doing is 'art' or a 'hobby' or a casual pursuit or a social network... it's art. i have decided and i will not be made to feel shitty or weird about. i'm not in 7th grade anymore.

it's time to find things to have joyous adoration of; and then share them with one another. those are the things we love about one another; the things WE love. vent, yes; bitch, no. i promise to do it as well. plan on hearing 100% more stories about my sister, music i like, concerts i have been to, comedy scenes i love and british authors.

a long one.

fun weekend! friday was a great show at the old ucb, featuring one of the beast krompf shows i have ever seen (suggestion: california). then i grabbed a drink at mcmanus with a lovely lady from my time capsule class; we exchanged stories about growing up and getting into improv, then RAN INTO A GIRL I GREW UP WITH. and not just anyone i half remember, a girl i went to pre-school with, who was one of the 'cool kids' who thought i was a weird asshole, then she became somehow less cool and joined my group of friends in HS... and she still thought i was a weird asshole. it's somehow uncouth to remember all that shit, i think, but i remember it. like it or not, ms. griffin, you had a big influence on the person i am now. anyway, it was really weird, and i was a little tipsy, but at least i looked fucking awesome, etc, etc. also she was married. weird!

anyway, we headed over to the current UCB to see the amazing thank you, robot anniversary show. 5 dudes performed as well. eugene and gethard had a staring contest for about 2/3's of the set, and it was amazing. then gethard gave TYR a really sweet introduction, and thank you, robot came out and had an amazing show as well. i gave them the suggestion of 'marriage', and they had a fucking great, varied and super-fun set. it was awesome. then they did a quick mash-up which was also great. i love how great all my friends of 'my' improv generation have become. we are all so good! gah it makes me happy! then we went out to the bar, and i got slightly more drunk, and i hung out with my friendssss for another 4 hours! as several people noted, i was kind of manic, and everyone else was tired, but obviously i can't really help that so i just had fun!

yesterday i went to see coraline with ms. rubanova. we had an adventure, and ended up seeing it at the zeigfield on 54th. it's a gorgeous theare, i am glad i 'found out' about it. coraline was... decent. it really was gorgeous and fun and beautiful. the story felt lacking, somehow. i haven't read the book in probably almost 2 years, and i remember it being better than that. i will have to read it again, i think.

then i ran to the village lantern to perform in the action pals show at 7 with irritated max (phil weintraub and myself). it was really fun! 2 man improv is really interesting to do. i would have expected it to be really tiring and hard, but it isn't tiring at all really. part of that is because i am working with phil, who is utterly delightful and totally brilliant. but there is something really fun and relaxing about not being able to WATCH and JUDGE a show you are in; you are only in it. and it's relaxing because you know no one else is going to come off the back line and change or take that fun away. you can just have fun. i think our irritated max shows end up fairly silly as a result, but i am okay with that. hopefully we will be able to keep doing shows and improving. the rest of that show was really fun as well. great teams.

then i teched 'moor der', L, D & The Scientist's show at the red room. as much as that space is wicked awkward and not that fun, the show WAS really fun. one thing that really struck me during SOCK (puppet-prov) and L, D's set was how incredibly lucky we in the improv community are; we get to see our friends SHINE onstage in front of unsuspecting audience members. that's pretty uncommon, really; unless you work with your friends... but even then it is different. it is just transcendant and awesome. it just makes me really happy to see. we went to the telephone bar because grassroots was even more packed than normal, and it was a blast! i hadn't been in ages, but they added cool couches and it was a blast. then i embarrassed myself in front of jason sudekis and did a little grocery shopping.

now i need to go get coffee and eventually go watch the oscars and definitely not at all play werewolf at bluvband's. FUN!

_______
that's all from sunday. i had a little freak out when i got home so i decided not to post that and almost deleted it entirely, but instead i just went to bed. might as well update from monday through today.

gods MONDAY SUCKED! it was a haze of busy suckiness. everyone needed something right then all the time, all while i had other projects that needed to be done 'yesterday'. and one of my nice bosses sent me a long, terrible email berating and flipping out on me for something that wasn't actually my fault, although i understand why he was mad. it was bad y'all.

monday ended in a haze of shittiness. worked until 8, went home and watched tv i think.

tuesday: determined to be better. it was, sort of. i worked to catch up and chase down on stuff i'd been neglecting, generally tried to get more organized. tried to get ahead of stuff. finally pushed one thing through like 12 levels of bureacracy and shot out for my christina gausas 2 person scenes class that started last week. running a bit late, got dinner. i was too hot because i hadn't been thinking and had worn a heavy-ish sweater with a zip up AND my heavier coat AND i was wearing leggings and jeans and boots. i felt constricted and overheated most of the time. usually i love that sweater but it was all itchy that night. anyway whatever, fuck the sweater. gausas class: it's awesome and REALLY fucking hard. i wish i hadn't had it the same night as the time capsule, as she is whipping me out of my bad habits and into a better improvisor... i just need some damn time to decompress and not pop onstage and do all the things i've done for years but really shouldn't be doing. head explosions. anyway, the final time capsule show was a frustrating one for me personally. a lot of what i did didn't land, i felt untethered and weird during the opening, and we were making some negative moves that frustrated me because i KNOW we know better than that. the show over all was fun, and another for the books under 'show i hated but people found funny so just take the compliment, damn it, don't argue with people and be an ass about it'. went to the bar, it was fun. worked on not being crazy.

wednesday: i don't remember. got work done. i think that's it. oh i teched a show at the broadway comedy club. i will avoid playing there for ever. they have a giant 'APPLAUSE' light up sign.

no.

thursday: dunno again. freaking out about apartment stuff. work. home again after work. insanity! i managed to drag myself to cagematch. i bought a ticket and sat in a seat. both experiences were a little strange. i felt really isolated from people by sitting in a seat; i ended up just reading my book instead of chatting. it's been almost a year since i've been 'able' to do that. kinda sucked. EXCEPT that i was rereading American Gods again, and that book is awesome so it was okay. show ruled, the scam did musical improv accompanied by tanouye on guitar, and it wrecked. bangs had an awesome show as well... but there was no way. birch was also on fire on thursday, and there is no beating that plus hiller singing. got hurt by some offhand comment after show, went home and not to the bar.

friday: work; a lot to do, but got a lot done. did some work on a show proposal i am working on. upset someone, in turn upset myself, went home. stayed in. showed apartment. failed watching sweeney todd.

saturday: had my mind blown. ate some cake. went to fisher's birthday party. took the wrong subway, walked 15+ minutes in a poor to mediocre part of brooklyn. the A train was running on the C track and then became the F train. OBVIOUSLY. it took me 1.5ish hours to get home. billiard hall behind apartment playing crazy loud music. called 311. they were running up and down the fire escapes screaming their fucking heads off.

sunday (yesterday): slept in some, got coffee at new favorite starbucks on bond street, saw olympia dukakis. then some kid who was in my year at hamilton. then went to UNI QLO. walking in soho, saw stone phillips with a wife-type. had the lorelei. fun. line up was packed but i only went 1 minute over my time slot. i am hating all my material. need to make myself write JOKES every day.

monday (today): running late because i forgot to do the litterbox before i went to bed. then two 6 trains passed my station. got in at 10 of 10, to find my mouse not working. called for a replacement. was informed that there was no way to open our email program without a mouse (what?). then a fire alarm went off and the building smelled like burning rubber and flaming electrical wires for 3 hours. mondays are meant to be eased into, not for throwing a bunch of curveballs. a brief highlight was lecturing about my various favorite british authors to two of my coworkers for 15 minutes. now i have some work to do that's going to be both mindless and complicated, and i don't want to do it. i really feel like i mentally need to take the day off tomorrow, but feel guilty and probably won't. lame.

it's already 4? what the fuck.

bad at updating

i have a long blog entry covering much of the last two weeks that i haven't managed to pull together yet. it's coming soon, AS IF YOU CARE.

quick thought: it snowed last night and into this morning. i tried to get a picture of it falling in front of my apartment, but i didn't want to open the window so they all came out like crap. the manhattan night sky in snow turns a lovely, utterly unnatural pink - orange color, and it is beautiful sight. even though i want it to be flipping spring already, i am glad we got one last REAL snow in this winter.

i am trying to find internet evidence for some terrible event in chinese history i read about in w.g. sebald's totally mad and fucked up book 'rings of saturn' but i can't find it. i know roughly when it happened but am at a loss. i will have to try to remember to look it up when i get home.

i need to organize my books. and get a coffee table. and put up some art. maybe make some art! oooh fancy that!

i want this for one day

here is a thing i want to have happen:

for ONE day, no one is a dick about anything to anyone.

don’t deliberately misinterpret something to be ‘funny’. don’t try to insidiously get into someone’s head to make them talk to you. don’t give backhanded compliments. don’t make snide comments. don’t make fun of anyone, even if it is your friend and it is silly or ostensibly a joke. don’t mock.

be kind. be genuine. listen. have fun. laugh genuinely. don’t just think of something funny to say next. be ever so slightly less clever. watch someone and see something they want you to see; compliment them on it. just smile.

that’s all.

sorry for the cross blogging, i try to avoid it but this is important.

a LEGO a day

brrraaaiiiinnnnnssssss

this blog is a really cool idea, executed beautifully by a guy i know from THE INTERNET. be impressed, everyone. check it out, a lot of the ideas are fun, all are wildly creative and many are hilarious. i've linked him in my blogroll to your right, which started as a way to remind myself of what blogs to read, but has evolved into mostly being handy to other people.

well done, sir 'i won't embarrass by calling you your messageboard handle in my blog post'! his blog makes me miss legos, and also retroactively jealous of my cousin nick, whose parents bought him every cool effing set, and angry at my dad, who INSISTED that i could make whatever i wanted out of the base lego set. so. annoying. no, dad, you cannot make a helicopter out of a handful of primary-colored legos and one of those flat grass pieces.

don't knock my struggle
cause my struggle's all mine.
- mark mcadam

note to self

don't read something DC has written right after you've written something. you will feel like a twat and an untalented asshole.

thinking about musicians, death, parents, jewelry design.

i am a performer. as a child, i never saw one thing happen on a stage that i didn't want to be up there doing to. i even remember a presentation at the armory in worcester on a field trip in 1st grade. watching the historian or curator or whoever, talking about old weapons and medieval knights, and wanting nothing more than to be up there doing it too. i have a recurring fear that someday i will get up on a stage during i performance i am not a part of and insist to be in the show. similar to my fear that i will jump in front of the train when it's coming down the tracks. i don't WANT to, but there is some tiny, deep voice that is always goading us into doing stupid, wreckless things; right?

but MUSIC... gah, music! i have a hard time writing about music, because it feels so incredibly personal to me; i feel so affected by music i love. and i've been listening to music even MORE intensely lately, which is crazy. i probably listen to music ~24 hours a week, which is more than i watch TV or even watch live comedy. i love music! i've been to upwards of 150 concerts in my time, although very few of those have been post-college; a combination of money and a transferance of interest to teh comedies. musicians, on stage... i don't think i have the same burning desire to be onstage as a musician. it might be framed in slightly more 'fan' way for me.

i wish i had the talent to be a musician. while i find music fascinating and i try to learn about it, i am lazy and never showed any natural ability for playing the guitar or the clarinet when i tried. i am a miserable, if enthusiastic singer. it's not in the cards. but i can't help but think that musicians are fucking lucky. once they write their music, it's done, in a way. onstage, they can banter with the crowd, and get people excited, but then they get to pour their emotions and frustrations out in the music. they don't have to worry about fucking up jokes or having a shitty improv show that just can't seem to fucking get it together or gel. they just get to ride it out. that's not particularly rational, just something i've been thinking about.

my parents used to tell me i could be anything i wanted to be when i grew up; that i had the potential to do anything. a dangerous thing to tell a precocious child who lived in fantasy worlds. once i was a little older, i would tell my dad i wanted to be a paleontologist or an archeaologist; he would counter that those jobs were boring, and i would have to set up a grid and work really slowly, so i shouldn't be an archaelogist. then i decided later i wanted to design jewelry (i am a decent artist, though my skills are purely a decent ability to represent objects on paper; i lack a distinctive artistic vision, i think); my dad went on and on about gross chemicals that jewelry makers have to do, and that i wouldn't make any money.

but now he is inordinately proud that i am living in new york city, trying to be a comedian.

parents are weird!

i did it!

today i am a cowboy!

my young heart's in tatters / and i'm sure it will be a long time healing

i am nearing the crest of another wave of self-development i think. or maybe i am 'in it' right now. i am not sure.

had our second and third time capsule shows since the last time i posted about it. both were very fun, which is amazing, but i had personal issues with my ability to intelligently play and support my scenes and the shows generally. which is to say that while things i did in both were FUNNY, there was a thread of intelligent awareness and direction to what i was doing that was either missing or frayed. i am not sure how to fix or improve upon that problem other than to focus and generally simplify more.

on tuesday, i started a 4 week class with christina gausas where the focus is specifically on 2 person scenes. however, the focus is also on the tenets of christina's improvisational style; an INCREDIBLE emphasis on reaction to your scene partner and the LAST thing they said. it's a skill i have selectively; if someone has said something unusual onstage, i have gotten 'good' at acknowledging and reacting to it, but most of the time in a scene i am pushing my scene partners into finding a game or an archetypal scene to play. not surprisingly, all my bad scenes are scenes where this happens. however, a good portion of my good or at least funny scenes are this way too, since i am good at directing the action, and i can usually find a game easily, and then make my scene partners play it with me. in other words, i get away with it. zach woods gave me that note in my last 501, and i have heard it from other teachers and coaches as well.

CHRISTINA STOPPED ME DOING IT IN EVERY SCENE I DID. gah... oh man, she was right. looking, back, i seriously do it constantly; although to be fair i do it more often early in classes / bad shows. but anyway, it's something i need to work on thoroughly. i am excited though. excited because i know WHAT i have to do; now it is just a matter of figuring out how and then learning to do it. ha, ONLY that.

so i both have to be better at thinking smartly and finding those simple smart support moves AND work on not thinking about improv at all.

yes, i really do think this is awesome. exciting!

end-thought: joe directed the last of the time capsules he will be here to watch this past tuesday. dave 'beezy' bluvband did a little wengert-esque call and response thanks for him, and i immediately teared up hardcore. i feel so happy and lucky to have been in this last class of joe's in NYC; and i hope he is proud of what we have done. and i hope what we've done reflects what an amazing teacher he is. the time capsule almost always felt fun and easy and collaborative and exciting because of how open and encouraging and respectful joe was with us. we hung out as a group a ton, we had parties and played werewolf and joe ASKED to be on our email chain... seriously. it's been nothing but awesome, basically. joe is one of the best teachers i have EVER had. i include all forms of schooling in this pronouncement; including college and general life-teachers. i feel totally supported by joe; i think he 'gets' me; he's smart as fuck and gives amazing notes in ways that are always helpful and reasonable. and he's a brilliant and inspiring performer himself. i would guess he is on the top 3 favorite performers list of 95% of this community. it's easy to be intimidated and subsequently awkward around a person like this... but joe makes it incredibly easy by being a friendly, kind and interesting person to talk to; and a really amazing friend to boot.

i didn't mean to ramble on about this, but i couldn't help myself. los angeles is a lucky, lucky city, and i hope LA appreciates how much it pains us here in NYC to lose joe wengert. all the luck in the world to you, mr. wengert. i hope you get to see a hawk attack an eagle while both are savaged by a falcon out there. they have more nature in los angeles, right?

for possibly the first time in my adult life

i have worn a different pair of shoes every day this week. i believe this to be a rather sad and revealing fact about myself, which is, itself, a sad and revealing fact.

FACT: i will wear different shoes TOMORROW.

i've been neglecting real, substantive posts here lately. um. not sure why, i still have things i have been thinking about and would like to write about, but somehow i haven't been thinking them in 'blog' form. 'sorry', blogspot. i'll try to put a good one together soon.

my sisters

inspired by nicole.

i talk to alexis pretty often; more if there is a family thing we need to discuss. or... if i am having a personal problem i can't talk about with other friends without feeling judged. in other words, when i need someone to bitch to about people being mean or stupid, i call alexis. when i need someone to look up who played the monsignor in sister act when i can't because i am walking around without a computer and can't possibly wait a couple hours until i am home and can check for myself, i call alexis. when i take a pretty picture using my phone, i send it to my sister.

they last time i texted my other sister, suzi, she called me back the next day from someone else's phone because she thought my text was spam. because she hadn't put my phone number in her phone.

sigh.

the lorelei is tonight!

my show is tonight, internet. i'd love for you to be there! 8 pm, parkside lounge back lounge (yeaaaaaah), houston btwn b&c, FREE!

SETH HERZOG!
SECRET PROMISE CIRCLE!
HANNIBAL BURESS!
& your host, me;
KATEY HEALY-WURZBURG!

i'd love to see you TONIGHT!

<3
katey

i've gone

i've gone from being sick and not being able to go out to mostly being better and having absolutely no interest in going out and seeing anyone i know at all.

i think i will go to the movies instead.

coraline? i don't know what else is out... bad, person ostensibly working to be a part of the entertainment industry, bad.

my cat's being fucking adorable right now.

okay. dinner? i vote yes, and my vote is the only one that counts.

starbucks guy... this has gotta stop

i go to the same starbucks every morning. 90% of the time it is awesome. 10% of the time, this one guy makes my drink... and he thinks he knows my drink. BUT HE DOESN'T. i don't know what to do; i've corrected him several times when he has been like 'your drink is 6 pumps of vanilla and two shots, skim milk, right?' and i am like 'uh, no, it's this' but all this has done is convince him that he NOW knows my drink, which he doesn't, but now he doesn't ask... so... i don't know how to rectify this situation in a socially acceptable way. i... i don't know. i've started just trying to drink the one he fucks up, then just going out and re-buying my drink at another starbucks.

that's the cowardly, expensive way.

what's with scarves!?

oh man. i bought a scarf yesterday. it's green with spots. i got it from the gap, and it was too expensive.

today... i bought another scarf. it's a light, green-toned navy blue. i bought it from a street pashmina seller, which means it is exactly the right price, $5.

YOU GUYS HELP I CAN'T STOP WEARING SCARVES!!!!

at least i have the neck for it; long and skinny and a creepy white-blue color. GAH MUST COVER IT WITH EVEN MORE FABRIC!!!!11

warm weather thoughts

it was lovely out today. however, i have forgotten how to dress for reasonable weather so i wore way too little and was colder today than i have been in the recent arctic snap. DUMB. i also lost my fucking red scarf at the training center on thursday. i am so pissed because i LOVE that thing and it would be expensive to replace. grumble grumble grumble. i am pissed that someone would just take it too. have no fear, i will glare at anyone wearing an american apparel cranberry scarf in the next few weeks around the theatre, FYI.

i am almost over this bullshit, never ending cold. although this is like the 10th time i have said that so who knows. i feel pretty solid emotionally and less... utterly exhausted by everything. i have the next installment of the time capsule on tuesday and i am looking forward to it, and looking forward to having fun with it. ALWAYS HAVE FUN.

for balance, there should be another paragraph. i should go to bed. guess i will clean the litterbox and take a shower and go to bed.

shopgirl is on tv, and jason schwartzman is in it. i met him when i was in college, when he was still in phantom planet. he was short and odd but nice. we talked about vegans. end of story.

nailed it

picked up three toys for my cat, since they didn't have the water filtering thing. and he loves ALL of them. i figured that was impossible.

nom nom nom. that's my cat. figuratively savoring the awesome toys i got him.

hey dinosaur; plz stop scratching up my coaches now plz, kthxbai.

my new glasses finally arrived

neither pair is wearable because i fucked up the prescription. fuck me. and the red pair, which are supposed to be the same as the current glasses i have, are basically totally different and this pair doesn't fit me at all. and make my eyes bleed because of my aforementioned prescription screw up. glad i waited 35 days for fucked up glasses, internet! awesome.

real thoughts

coughing is the worst. it makes me have to pee more, in addition to being terribly annoying and painful in its own right. also it means i can't talk loudly or catch my breath or sometimes even breathe at all without coughing more

i gotta work on getting angry. when i get angry, i get distracted and sloppy and i am pretty much just an asshole. i should hone and control and shape that anger into righteous power that i can call on at my convenience, and when people touch me in in public.

i think i also need to work on expressing that anger. i tend to think 2-3 seconds of acid filled eye contact lets people know that i am fucking pissed, but that's not true, because telepathy isn't real, and really i should stop being a damn pussy and tell people when i am mad at them, and why. my feelings aren't invalid, but i should be professional enough to set them aside to get a job done.

i think it's hardest to do in improv - setting aside your current emotional maelstrom i mean. despite thousands of hours of training and rehearsing and watching and ingraining... when you improvise, you are still you; with all your baggage and good qualities AND negative ones. and what i am is... kind of a dick. i don't know what to do except work to be a better, kinder, more open and accepting person. because i can be that person, and i am when i feel comfortable and content; the key comes in being that person when you are upset and tired and hungry and angry and anxious. that's the damn key.

positive thoughts time.

also, it's laundry time. oh and i need mouthwash. and one of those water filtering things for my picky cat.

the time capsule, tonight at 11pm

i have a show tonight at the UCB theatre at 11 pm. 11 pm on a tuesday, you say? that’s nuts! well it may be nuts, but it will also be an awesome, super fun show so i invite you to snub your nose at the sleeping gods and come out and see comedy instead.
the show is called the time capsule, has a bangarang cast of improvisors, ready to perfom everything that happened in ANY YEAR IN HISTORY! here’s a taste from last night’s rehearsal:

in the year 1000, the world’s biggest heartthrob, beowulf, had sex with grendel’s mother.

in the year 1820, indicative of a larger issue of sexual assault against the hobo community, a train conductor raped daniel boone.

if you are at harold night already, you can stay and watch the show for free! otherwise, tickets are $5. make a reservation here!

directed by the incredibly wonderful joe wengert. be there!

desperate for a roommate

hi internets.  i need a roommate.  i have extended information down every pathway i can think of; does anyone have any suggestions of things i can try?  i am kind of totally freaking out at this point.  i feel ready to blame the economy because i've gotten a fair amount of initial interest, and then basically no follow up interest.  of the dozen plus people i have talked to who are seriously looking for a place, only ONE has come to look at it.  

halp internets.  you're my only hope.

posting a blog

to get that last one off the top.  still sick.  still utterly freaking out about my apartment situation.  i don't know what to do.

um.  i think the answer is to... um... talk about improv?  

i hope this makes sense.

this is something i have been thinking about a lot over the past few months, and then i stopped worrying about, and then i remembered something i had forgotten. relearned something i had managed to unlearn. anyway.

 

emotional reaction and connection. long form improvisation requires this to a degree that's fairly astonishing. some acting techniques do teach that the only correct method in scripted acting is the calling up of genuine emotion in yourself.

 

improv is SO HARD because you do need to be able to react 'naturally' to everything that your scene partner is doing. and some people's natural reaction is to avoid, or argue or be passive aggressive... while that is REAL and NATURAL, such reactions are even more poisonous onstage than they are in regular life. i had (have) such a hard time with emotionally reacting because i don't do it very often; however exuberant and outgoing i am at times, i rarely have a geniune emotional interaction to someone. i might be touched by a story, or feel annoyed by some asshole thing they've said or done; but the actual interaction of emotions doesn't happen. or if it does, i do it really quickly and then distract them with a bunch of words afterwards.

 

i found myself struggling with this problem so consistently in improv that i hardly noticed it. it was EVERY problem, really. and while i have not overcome the problem (certainly not in my um... real life), i think it has become much LESS of a problem for me onstage. and only because i faked it. fake it till you make it. there is a great part of dustin hoffman's inside the actor's studio where he talks about how he worked himself up to flip out over the hot water in 'rain man'; and the emotion in that scene all came from his frustration and anger and rage at himself for not being able to feel those emotions authentically. so he took the emotion from somewhere else.

 

what does this mean in improv? i think it means that faking it works.  that you should fake it.  if you are a terrible or mediocre actor, you should absolutely still try to have an emotional reaction and let it show on your face and in your voice and body. 

 

i think it comes down to that decision to commit.

 

very recently, i think i have finally understood what i need to do in order to improve my improvising.  the vaguely frustrating thing is that it is something i have thought about in the abstract, and even given as a mental note to shows i tech or watch, and one which i KNOW intellectually is important, but which i, myself, have somehow managed to avoid applying to myself.  i don't want to get distracted by this, but what the fuck?  why do all lessons in my life seem to hover around my consciousness for a year before i actually pick up on them and apply them to myself?  i hope this means i am noticing a pattern and that i will get better at noticing lessons i should be learning sooner, in the future.

ANYWAY; i refuse to be distracted!

the lesson is commitment.  what i need to do, what i need to focus on forcing myself to do in every scene is COMMIT to whatever the scene or character is.  commitment and emotional integrity.  i had a scene in class a week or so ago where i made someone dr. mengele, i set us in holocaust-era germany; i mentioned lamps made from human skin and piles of gassed children's shoes.  NONE of those things are funny, and there is really no reason that scene should have worked.  physically, i did very little, except act a little distressed.  but i committed to my perspective, and i respected that stage and that premise.  the reason i harp on about this is that DURING that scene i felt myself desperately trying to distance from the terrible things i was setting up, but then another, wiser improv-trained part was like 'NO, if you back off now, it will suck.  if you 'pretend' or act sarcastically, it will suck.  STICK TO YOUR PERSPECTIVE AND COMMIT TO IT.'

i call my good reaction to that mengele scene 'improv wisdom', but i think that is dressing it up in fancier clothes than it deserves.  i straight up finally drilled this lesson into my thick skull because of a show i did where i was just an asshole, the whole time.  it was a castlemania! show, which i mention because it's a three person team.  it's way harder to be a snarky dick when there are only 3 people onstage.  the show was a frustrating one for me, since the only audience member was a drunk, back-talking barber from the place next door, and i just felt supremely uncommitted.  and then wondered why all my moves were stupid and unfunny.

 

in conclusion... KATEY.  QUIT BEING AN ASSHOLE AND COMMIT TO YOUR SCENES AND SCENE PARTNERS.  maybe that will work this time.

i should not be at work today

i feel physically terrible, it's disgusting outside, i accidentally overslept because i shut my alarm off while asleep (my alarm clock is across the room), i keep freaking out over nothing and now i am basically sobbing at my desk for no good reason.  i haven't even been watching one of the many, many internet videos that make me cry on a regular basis.  there are like tears built up like a damn behind my eyes.  

feelings are retarded.

um.  chilled out a little.  i think it might help if i were to actually.... you know... eat some lunch.

pheme

if i was still 'doing' sociology and pursuing it professionally, or at least seriously, i would write a paper on the sociology of fame.  must see if old roommate can get me access to potential papers on the subject.  

thanks again, stephen fry.

jk totally sick now

right now THE ILLNESS is staying confined to my throat area, which is good because it means i am at least mildly functional, and bad because it means i am on a soup/other hot liquids diet for the next few days.  good thing i stayed up making all the buffalo chicken dip for the week, right?!  grumble.  

the only sore throat stuff i have expired last may, which apparently means it's not as strong as it was.  bummer.  that's what i get for living alone and not in a household with lots of other people getting sick all the time.  i'll take it!

other stuff:

just read on neil gaiman's blog that there is an attempt brewing to essentially ban children from libraries in order to test all books everywhere for lead containment... which is crazy for a bunch of reasons, but primarily because publishers have tested all the components of books published and found them to contain miniscule amounts of lead, well below the allowable amounts.  also crazy because it's just another way to 'protect' our children from the dangers of books.  vomit.  here is a link to the original letter from a woman in the national library association.  i'll see what i can do to help this afternoon.

'stuff' implies plurality, but that is all i have.

NEARLY sick? how can you be NEARLY sick?

okay, i forced that one.

i am close to a cold. i haven't been sick in months and months; not since the summer at least (yay, leaving the cubicle farm!). however, tonight sitting at my new favorite starbucks (yay bond street! go eff yourself, 2nd ave and 9th st!), i started feeling achy and chesty, but tried to ignore such weakness by sitting next to the cold window so i could look at people walking by and admire the cobbley-ness of bond street. which was honestly fucking retarded since i take my glasses off to read, and sans glasses, the outside, at night, is a wash of indistinct, bundled forms and neon lights. oh well. regardless, it was stupid and i had to leave my jacket on. sidebar: i am getting really sick of feeling puffy and round for down-jacket-based reasons. self: please invest in a thinsulate-lined wool coat. anyway, as i plowed my way through the first sarah vowell book i've ever read (WHAT? how did i miss that memo?), i felt myself getting sicker and sicker.

then i went to trader joes and bought a preposterously heavy amount of food. i love bread!

oh no. it's a couple hours later. feel so much worse.

i had a crazy weekend. it was mostly crazy awesome though. <3 ny.

look up more

i have been gripped this week by another bout of deep numb depression (?); i was flying pretty high for a couple weeks, but attempting stridently to ignore it and not give in to the wildness my thoughts seemed capable of did not work, in the end, to avoid the inevitable (?) crash.  besides, if you ignore something, it's not happening, right psychology?

today i decided to walk over to my old, favorite, high quality but also cheap, chinese buffet.  the place, ho yip, is around the corner from my first job in new york, and i've been there off and on for almost three years now.  it was lovely out, and i was finally startled out of my reverie of dark thoughts (god i'm such an ASSHOLE... why do i suck so much... my legs hurt... why can't i feel anything?!? vast chasms of formless greyness are not what life is supposed to feel like... why are all my thoughts moving at 1/4 speed?  i am such and asshole) by the utter beauty of the interplay between new york buildings.  i wasn't even in a pretty part of town, but the stunning composition of the skyline; one turn of the century building's details paired against the strict background of an 80's glass monster set off by the art deco facade of a grand former bank... it was kind of breath-taking.  combined with the first day where the hope of spring was tangible in the air... i was feeling much better by the time i made my way back towards the soaring met life building that my office borders.

normally when i walk in the city, i look down and forward, like a good 'native'.  unless it's late and there's no one around, i rarely stop to admire the scenery.  or play games of 'take my glasses off and see how close i need to be to that sign before i can actually read it and not just guess what it says'* variety.  i don't pause and wonder, unless it is really late at night and i won't feel like people are assuming i am a tourist when staring open mouthed at the wonder all around us.  although most natives would probably assume only an out-of-towner would gape idiotically on 20th street at 3 am, so i'm probably not being any wiser.

so look up more, new york.  it is wondrous.

however, upon arriving at the chinese place, i found that they raised the price of the buffet by an additional $2 per pound.  ugh.  i loaded up regardless, i was there after all, and then got to the cashier only to find out that they ACTUAL cost of the buffet was an additional $1.50 above what was posted on the signs, so my supposedly economic splurge of the friediest foods i could imagine was a total bust in the money department.  

they put the plastic buffet containers in a plastic shopping bag, which i am always so worried about bursting open inside the bag and spilling all my chinese everywhere.  i wish their packaging was sturdy, like a subway sandwich.  if only subway didn't taste like white trash sadness and sugared, cheap bread, my concern for utility and practicality of design would be married to my desire for a delicious lunch.

i worry all the time.

*last night some lady almost started kicking my ass as i played that game in the union square station.  she started making a bee-line towards me (presumably to go to the downtown 4/5/6 track), so i changed my angle to miss her, she READJUSTED her trajectory so that she would still be intersecting with me, with the possible intention of getting me up against the wall (union square station), i yelled 'get the fuck out of my way, asshole!, right as she almost body checked me, and then kind of bolted past her before she could touch me, and she started screaming obscenities and inviting me to fight her.  it was an invitation i stridently ignored. once i got to the platform, i turned and looked so i could watch the stairs in case she decided to follow and put her case more forcefully.  she might've been attempting to mug me, which is the only reason i can think of that you would basically run a person against a wall like that.  not scary, but adrenaline-y.  my first instinct is to yell swearwords.  good to know.

well, that should work

if my worldview is, in any way, accurate, my glasses should be waiting for me when i get home.  i just tried to call www.zennioptical.com to see if they could 1) tell me when my glasses shipped and 2) what address i used to ship them to - i normally don't send packages to my apartment; it's not a doorman building and my mail slot is tiny - however, i ordered them at 10 pm on 1/2 so i might not have been thinking clearly and just shipped them to my house.

HOWEVER, no one was available to take my call.  and then i tried to leave a message and was informed that the mailbox was full.  grumble.

so...  what i am saying is, i want my damn glasses already.

WORST BLOG POST.

two thoughts, almost entirely unrelated to one another

1) hate the new starbucks cups.  the bottoms is all weird and crenallated and it seems less stable.  the new covers are SUPER stiff; which means they cut into your hand, cut the straw way more easily and worst of all, don't seal well so leaks seem impossible to avoid.  not a fan.

2)  i am sure at some point it was accurate, but the versions i played (including the super old set my mom had from the early 70s), the revolver in clue was never a revolver.  why did i just notice that now?  why did it occur to me while i was walking up lexington?  the world may never know.

AND THEN YOU WILL BLOG ABOUT IT.

what famous comedians do our friends remind us of?

we did this last night after class for a little while.

andrew yurman-glaser: vocal match with chris from family guy.

benjamin apple: gene wilder, but specifically as leo bloom from the producers.

adam bozarth: harold ramis

the kicker:

miles klee: michael palin

i think miles looks so much like sir palin that i was half convinced they were related when i took my first class with him.

others you all can think of?  i know there's a bunch.